Archive for the ‘satire’ Category

Granny’s Knitting

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on April 29th, 2008
I wrote this last year as a slashdot comment in response to this story. Having just re-discovered it, and realizing I had not posted it anywhere else, I thought I should reproduce it here:

BAM! The door splintered off its hinges, and toppled into the room. The cats yowled and scrambled under the furniture. Six police officers with plexiglass masks and riot guns stormed into the room and surrounded Granny’s overstuffed floral-patterned armchair.

“Oh, my!” said Granny.

“Drop the knitting!” shouted one of the officers. “And keep your hands were we can see them!” he added.

Granny released the needles, and the scarf fell into her lap with the yarn. The officer who had spoken reached out with the barrel of his gun and nudged the knitting from her lap onto the floor.

“Clear!” shouted another officer.

A young plainclothes officer carrying a digital clipboard entered the room, gingerly stepping over the wreck of the door. He gave the heap of knitting a scowl, and stopped in front of Granny. The riot police shifted aside to give him a clear view of her.

“Abigail Theresa Winslow?” the officer read from his clipboard.

Granny removed her reading glasses and looked up at the man. “Yes, that’s my name.” she said.

“You are hereby charged with Economic Terrorism in the 2nd Degree. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say is being recorded, and can be used against you in a court of law.”

“I don’t understand!” wailed Granny, wringing her hands.

The officer ducked down and picked up Granny’s knitting. He held it up to the light, lifting it with only his thumb and forefinger, as if he did not like to touch it.

“This is a beautiful scarf, Mrs. Winslow.” he said.

“Oh, thank you, but–” Granny began confusedly.

“I can tell you spent a lot of time on it.” said the officer.

“Well, yes, I–”

“We have witnesses willing to attest that you sell these scarves for no more than the cost of the yarn…”

“Yes, I just enjoy making–”

“…Severely undercutting the prices of your commercial competitors by an order of magnitude, in spite of the fact that your scarves are obviously superior handcrafted products.”

“I… I… well, … Thank you?” said Granny, still confused, but recognizing the compliment to her handiwork.

“Don’t get funny with me, Lady!” the officer snapped, leaning in close to Granny’s face. “You should be ashamed of yourself! This sort of underpricing makes me sick! I’ve come to expect this kind of altruistic bull from hackers and teachers, but I never expected it from a respectable citizen with no criminal record. What is this world coming to?”

“Well, I never!” exclaimed Granny.

“Take her away, boys.” said the officer.

Two of the riot police gently handcuffed Granny, and lead her out of the room.

“Send in forensics to bag the evidence.” said the officer, dropping the knitting, and wiping his thumb and forefinger on his shirt. He looked around the room, and shook his head sadly. “When will people learn? She acted like she didn’t even know it was wrong.”

Googling is the new Remembering

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on December 14th, 2005

Current mood: Coughing

Remembering is something that people used to do in the old days before the internet. It was slightly faster, but a lot less reliable. Most people still actually do have the ability to remember, but it is a lost art which is not practical to use it for general purposes. Modern remembering hobbyists find it most useful for copying things off google and taking them along on trips to primitive caves and rain forests and places. Remembering doesn’t take any electricity or special equipment, but nobody can remember why that matters.

America’s Next Top Communist Dictator

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on October 5th, 2005

Current mood: Moving

Reality Television! Everybody loves it! nobody can get enough of it! Get ready for this year’s hottest new sensation in unscripted prime-time entertainment.

America’s Next Top Communist Dictator

You heard right! Fifteen randomly selected leftists will live together for five weeks in a big house in Malibu, and their real unscripted lives will be televised. At the end of the season, America’s viewers will vote for their favorite, and the winner will become the next Chairman of the People’s Republic of China!!!

Co-hosted by P. Diddy and The Writings of Mao Zedong.

Supreme Enlightenment

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on July 1st, 2005

Current mood: Enlightened

What is the nature of Supreme Enlightenment? I asked the master.

The master breathed deeply seven times, and then opened his eyes. Supreme Enlightenment is elusive, he said slowly. The mysteries of life are many-fold, and perfect harmony is always hidden. True enlightenment requires a lifetime of devout meditation.

What of those who are not monks? I asked. How will the rest of the world find time in their busy lives to seek Supreme Enlightenment?

The master scowled. Why should those who are not monks seek Supreme Enlightenment? That is our task. We seek enlightenment for them, and then once we have found it, we tell them what it is.

How can one be told of Supreme Enlightenment? Will they believe us? Will they listen?

If they do not listen, said the master, we will hit them with sticks. He raised the Heavy Stick Of Supreme Enlightenment over his head and waved it around a bit.

But master! I do not understand! I wailed.

The master hit me with the stick.

And I became Enlightened.

A certain man went down from Jerusalem…

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 30th, 2005

A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.

And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.

But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,

And went to him, and asked to see his insurance card, but seeing that he was with an HMO that did not permit out-of-network care providers without a large co-pay, his compassion left him, and he also passed by on the other side.

Also, not to change the subject, but Gastropod-Squirrel loves Slime-Acorns!

You know… Slime-Acorns are great and all, but I probably should have kept that to myself. That was not the time or place for it.

51st State

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 21st, 2005

Current mood: Dead serious… no, really

Okay, so I am concerned about the turmoil in Iraq. The situation isn’t getting any better, and we all know what needs to be done, but everybody seems to be afraid to actually come out and say it. Well, no longer. Somebody has to put this out on the table.

Iraq is full of people who are suffering in the absence of enlightening western culture. Our military boys are doing their best over there, but it is hard work, what with being halfway around the world. Here is a little diagram of the relative positions:

As you can see, there is a considerable distance between the United States and Iraq. This slows cultural assimilation, and makes military logistics inconvenient. The solution to this problem is right in front of our faces. Just move Iraq!First we will need to separate Iraq from it’s neighbors. By moving India and Pakistan further east, and moving Saudi Arabia a few east African nations south, we can make the persian gulf wide enough to extract Iraq.

This separation is important, not just because Iraq is mostly landlocked, but because neighboring nations are a source of subversive Islamic culture which slows Iraq’s progress into the 21st century. Many of the insurgents who our brave troops fight every day are actually nationals of other middle-eastern nations who have snuck across the border just for the purpose of interfering. As anybody knows, swimming across an ocean is far more difficult than sneaking through a checkpoint.The next step is to run a tow chain from Iraq to our Navy, and tow the whole country around Africa and fasten it somewhere on the East Coast of North America, where we can keep an eye on it more easily.

Attached to, say, Georgia, Iraq will be conveniently close-to-home. Our troops will not have to travel so far to serve, and will even be able to skip over to Disney World on weekend leaves. More importantly, the Iraqi people will have ready access to American culture, and in no time, they might even be interested in applying for statehood.Naturally, Iraqi statehood will be controvertial with some people, but wasn’t this country founded on immigration? Isn’t it a Melting Pot? Below is a proposed new American flag featuring 51 stars in a new radial configuration to emphasize globalization.

Take that, Puerto Rico!

Plant Rights (featuring Stumpy the Stump!)

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 14th, 2005

Current mood: Vegetative

Hola! My name is Stumpy the Stump! How ya doin’ kids? I’m here to teach you about plant rights. Yep, that’s right. Plants are people too! Just because we don’t have DNA or Mitochondria or Formula D, that doesn’t mean we don’t have hearts and souls… well, actually, we don’t have hearts, as such, our circulatory systems are very different than yours, but we still have heart.

Sadly, the entire plant kindom is facing grave danger from human activities, including Logging, deforestation, vegetarianism, and chia pet abuse. Many humans are unaware of the suffering they cause to plants each and ever day. Few realize that plants died to provide them with their hardwood floors, toothpicks, post-it-notes, and stradavarius violins! Open your eyes, friends, and look around you! How many things do you use every day that are constructed from dead plant? How many of our children do you eat every day? That’s right! Fruits, nuts, and certain vegetables are our reproductibe progeny. Next time you take a bite of an apple, shed a tear for the tree that is grieving for it.

Does it have to be this way? No. Will animal-kind– especially humankind, always oppress and torment plant-kind? No, it will not always be so. Will we some day live in harmony? Or will our roles be reversed? Only you can decide that, my fragile nutirent-rich human friends.

Salvador Dali sez: “Drink Sprite!”

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on April 11th, 2005

Current mood: Floatey

Last night, the spirit of Salvador Dali appeared to me in a dream, in which he implored me to do more to support the consumer economy.

Dali: James! I come with a prophesy of Doooooom!

James: What!? Huh? What is happening to me? Where did you come from? Am I dreaming?

Dali: Not a deam, James. This is a vision! I come to you with a dire warning!

James: What must I do to save myself, oh Salvador Dali?

Dali: You need to drink more Sprite™! Spriiiiiiite™!

James: What?

Dali: You have been drinking water! I have been watching you from the spirit world, and all you drink is water!

James: That’s not true! I drank a glass of Strawberry/White-Cranberry last night. That isn’t water!

Dali: Your roommate purchased that! it doesn’t count.

James: So what is the big deal? What is wrong with water?

Dali: When you buy Sprite™, you support the Coca-Cola™ corporation, and stimulate the economy. Only by purchasing expensive sugary artifical beverage-flavoured drinks can we ensure the financial stability of the American economy for future generations!

James: Um… I don’t think th–

Dali: Think of the children!

James: But, I–

Dali: Think of the children!! (shakes fist)

James: But I drink bottled water! I pay for it. Doesn’t that stimulate the economy too?

(Salvador Dali emits a piercing shriek, and his head spins around on his neck)

Dali: Heretic! I saw you! I watch you! I have seen what you do!

James: No! That’s impossible! You can’t know that!

Dali: Yes, I have seen it! You purchased one bottle of Dasani™ purified water back in 2002, and you have been re-filling it from the tap ever since!

James: (screams) It’s true! I’m sorry, Salvador Dali! Have mercy on me!

And then I woke up in a cold sweat.