Hamster Republic -> James -> James's amusing spam archive: The Time Traveler
Part of my morning routine at work is to glance through the spam-can account on our mail server and see if any legitimate mail was filtered as a "false positive". One morning an unusual spam caught my eye. I stopped and read it.
From: "" <abby@(email)> To: <theresar@(email)> Subject: Warp Watch Needed bbeyxiowi h o oxsd Date: Sat, 23 Aug 03 07:18:37 GMT X-Spam-Status: Yes, hits=12.0 required=8.0 tests=DATE_IN_FUTURE_06_12,FORGED_MUA_OUTLOOK,MISSING_MIMEOLE, NO_REAL_NAME,RAZOR2_CHECK,RCVD_IN_RFCI, RCVD_IN_UNCONFIRMED_DSBL,X_PRIORITY_HIGH version=2.55 X-Spam-Level: ************ X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.55 (188.8.131.52-2003-05-19-exp) X-Spam-Report: ---- Start SpamAssassin results 12.00 points, 8 required; * 1.9 -- Sent with 'X-Priority' set to high * 0.8 -- From: does not include a real name * 2.1 -- Listed in Razor2, see http://razor.sf.net/ * 1.3 -- Date: is 6 to 12 hours after Received: date * 1.4 -- RBL: Received via a relay in ipwhois.rfc-ignorant.org [RBL check: found 184.108.40.206.ipwhois.rfc-ignorant.org., type: 127.0.0.6] * 0.5 -- RBL: Received via a relay in unconfirmed.dsbl.org [RBL check: found 220.127.116.11.unconfirmed.dsbl.org.] * 0.5 -- Message has X-MSMail-Priority, but no X-MimeOLE * 3.5 -- Forged mail pretending to be from MS Outlook ---- End of SpamAssassin results X-Spam-Flag: YES Hello, I am going to need a new DWG unit, prefereably the rechargeable AMD wrist watch model with the GRC79 induction motor, four I80200 warp stabilizers, 512GB of SRAM and the menu driven GUI with front panel XID display. I'm a time traveler stuck here in 2003. Upon arriving here my dimensional warp generator stopped working. I trusted a company here by the name of LLC Lasers to repair my Generation 3 52 4350A watch unit, and they fled on me. I will take whatever model you have in stock, as long as its received certification for being safe on carbon based life forms. In terms of payment: Payment can be made in Galactic Credits, Platinum gold, or 2003 currency upon safe delivery of unit. INSTRUCTIONS MUST BE FOLLOWED EXACTLY: Please transport unit in either a brown paper bag or box to below coordinates on Friday August 22nd at (exactly 4:00pm) Eastern Standard Time. A few minutes prior will be ok, but it cannot be after. If you miss this timeframe please email me. Nobody will be at those coordinates prior to 3:45pm EST, (so do not transport before then). Item is to be delivered at beginning of Lagrange Street in Winchester, Massachusetts which is directly across the street from Stratford Road located at: Latitude N 42.44852 & Longitude W 071.14651 and the Elevation is 90 feet. WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TRANSPORT ITEM BY REGULAR MEANS OF TELEPORTATION. THEY ARE MONITORING AND WILL REDIRECT THE SIGNAL!! I DO NOT CARE HOW YOU HAVE TO GET IT HERE, JUST DO IT IN A WAY THAT NO SPYING EYES WILL POSSIBLY BE ABLE TO REDIRECT OR BLOCK THE TRANSFERENCE. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU BE ABLE TO MONITOR THE TRANSFER. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SEND IT SO THAT THEY CANNOT REDIRECT OR BLOCK IT??? If in doubt do not transport actual unit until your method of transfer can be confirmed as a success. You just might need to send a intergalactic courier to deliver item safely to me. It is best if you send a intergalactic courier to deliver, this way you can be certain the unit arrives ok, However If you are certain that you have the means to teleport unit in a safe manner please send a (separate) email to me at: webmaster@(email) only after unit has been safely delivered with payment instructions. Thanks Brian Appel Do not reply directly back to this email as it will only be bounced back to you. bankjzfnn ok fzvk l ekfimj jf ea
This spam amused me so much, that I decided to reply to it. It was funny and harmless, and that tickled me. I felt that the spam was calculated to make me laugh, so I wrote a reply with the intention of making the spammer laugh. I had a lot of fun inventing technical terms for this reply.
Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 09:25:10 -0700 From: James Paige <jamesp@(email)> To: abby@(email), webmaster@(email)> Subject: Re: Warp Watch Needed bbeyxiowi h o oxsd I haven't got the DWG unit you need, but I do have several similarly capable devices based on the newer XNXE1223 standard in stock. This model is wrist-mounted, has quad warp stabilizers, and sufficient resources. It doesn't have a GUI, but it has a very intuitve AUI. Will this work for you? Because it is unused (0.000071 entrophy stain), I would have to ask you for full retail price. I prefer payment in Galactic credits, provided they have a counter-expiry date no sooner than DeltaNow-18ppk. otherwise I want 2003 US Currency. I have reverse temporal engineering capability that I can use to extemp the hardware to the coords you desire, which should bypass any conventional teleportation interception. But of course, if you are uncomfortable with RTE, I can send a courier. I would also appreciate it if you can send me your temporal signature. I am sure that if your timeline already has DWG tech, there will be no problem with exporting XNXE1223 tech to you, but as a formality I would like to see your tempsig anyway, as there are a number of timeline trees that I am not permitted to export it to. --- James Paige
I expected no reply. I had done it more to amuse myself than anything else... but after a few hours, I got a reply back.
Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 09:38:37 -0700 (PDT) From: titjrt ewewew <dirtbike019(email)> Subject: Re: Warp Watch Needed bbeyxiowi h o oxsd To: James Paige <jamesp@(email)> Hello James, Listen nobody has been able to teleport stuff to my coordinats without it being redirected. I would prefer you send a courier. The ranns have done terrible things to be and are trying to stop me, If you have the means to make it here safely with the unit I am willing to pay a wooping 10 million galactic credits. Please confirm your courier will be here at 4:00pm EST today.
This amused me so much, I decided I had to share the fun. I forwarded the original spam to Brian. Then I replied to the spammer, and referred him over to Brian.
BCC: Brian Fisher <Brian@(email)> Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 10:05:23 -0700 From: James Paige <jamesp@(email)> To: titjrt ewewew <dirtbike019@(email)>, webmaster@(email) Subject: Re: Warp Watch Needed bbeyxiowi h o oxsd Well, RTE is pretty much unredirectable, because it is based on a fate-engine, but there are a lot of ethical and safety considerations in using it. A courier is the best way. That is why I like this place! So quaint, so simple! Unfortunately the 10 galactic megacredits will be entirely inadequate. I don't know what kind of backwater timeline you come from, but were I come from we simply don't do business on those levels. But you do have my sympathy. I have tangled with the ranns once before, and I don't envy a man in your situation. I am going to refer you to a friend of mine who does a lot of "charity" work, and deals in older equipment. His address is Brian@(email). He has a large selection, and might even be able to hook you up with the DWG you were originaly asking for. I don't know if he can get to you by your 4:00pm EST deadline, but if you are still alive and chronological afterwards keep waiting for his reply, as I am sure if he will accept your price, he would have no problem with recursing back to then to will-haven-been there on time. With apologies, --- James Paige
The spammer then mailed Brian.
From: titjrt ewewew <dirtbike019@(email)> wrote: To: Brian@(email)> Hello, I will pay 10 million galactic credits if you have the means to deliver safely to me. Please see below emails.
Brian's response was wonderful.
Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 12:24:18 -0700 From: Brian Fisher <brian_fisher@(email)> To: titjrt ewewew <dirtbike019@(email)>, <webmaster@(email)> Subject: Re: [Need Amd Warp warp, refered to you] Mr. Appel, I simply cannot deliver by courier to your location until about 2 centuries after the time you requested. The problem is simply that with this time branch, if the couriers of the type I employ, were sent to the planet & temporal signature that I am assuming you are at (from your method of contacting me & language), It would undoubtably make your problems with the ranns worse, due to how it might affect the time branch we are on. Although I have and will, in certain occasions, been willing to perform services that have had the potential to cause rather significant branch folding, the way I have avoided your type of predicament in such cases relies on sending couriers through RTE. I really can't go into the details of how I accomplish this, except to say that the only couriers capable of surviving such an activity without causing detectable folding problems in their own life-span, would make quite an impression on the population of this "Massachusetts" place. And to be perfectly blunt, I don't believe anyone you are capable of communicating with will ever be able to perform what you have requested. However, I don't want you to be without hope, as I've solved problems for people in very similar situations to your own... the method is essentially for you to go into some sort of stasis mode until a time on this branch when I can make a courier delivery of the type you have requested, and from there we can use a more aggressive approach to help you get to a time branch that the ranns won't touch you on... (and hopefully we can move you off of a DWG, I guess no one has brought you to temporal signature advanced versus your initial departure to teach you the real tricks of the trade yet...) I hope you consider this approach - in fact, I have already sent a courier to the location requested with equivalent equipment, at a time signature roughly DeltaNow-6pdk (to be more precise 3:53 EST Feb. 28 2235, I'd give the UUTC number based off this timeline, but I'm not sure if you have the equipment to translate, and I like to avoid using such unset standards in interceptible communication to avoid minor folding problems). So the opportunity is available if you are willing to trust me. As far as statis goes, phased methods are best, but my couriers have the medical equipment to recover people from the more primitive cryogenics as long as they use a plasma delivery - however you obviously must be very careful about storage issues with such a method. With respect to payment - no monetary compensation is necessary - however... I think my associate may have been generous with the term "charity". Basically, I trade in services, not financials, and I would of course expect you to be willing to assist me in some tasks that require someone experienced in living in human enviornments. I assume from the predicament you are in that, you wouldn't be at all adverse to the opportunities that I can provide. However, if I have misinterpreted you, you can always refuse, and I will let you find your own path with a new DWG from the temporal signature I mentioned above. My only warning in that case would be I can't solve your problems with the ranns if you don't take my offer - and the ranns will certainly have more options they are willing to employ in the your physical location at the advanced temporal signature. Finally, I'm afraid we will have to settle any business within just a couple of hours. Because of the types of activities I am involved in, I can't have a presence in such an early period for more than a very short time. I'm only able to recieve communication in this location at all because my associate let me know about your case. When I have to leave, I won't be able to find a way to communicate with you within quite a long period. If I don't hear from you again, best of luck. You have my sympathy.
But apparently the spammer did not totally understand.
From: titjrt ewewew <dirtbike019@(email)> To: Brian Fisher <brian_fisher@(email)> Hello, Thank You for replying back. 4:00 pm EST is in just another half hour. I will be at the mentioned coordinates, and can only meet within this time/dimension as I do not have any other transportation equipment. 3rd dimension, 2003 at alloted time and coordinates. If I do not see you there at 4:00, there must be some other way to work this out. I will be happy to help you out, I hope you will be able to arrive to me safely with the equipment. Let me know
Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 14:42:53 -0700 From: Brian Fisher <brian_fisher@(email)> To: titjrt ewewew <dirtbike019@(email)>, <jamesp@(email)>, <webmaster@(email)> Subject: Re: Courier is there 232 years past communication date I'm sorry you seem to have misunderstood - my courier IS at your location, but only at 232 years advance of our current temporal signature on our current branch - She can be there no earlier on this branch! My courier has reported she can't find you at your location at the future time I told you - It seems that either: A) you will be either unwilling or unable to successfully enter stasis (which would be regrettable, but I can understand) B) you will be in phase stasis past the time I mentioned (I understand precision of some phase stasis devices is less than ideal) C) you will be in cryogenic storage at a location other than the one I mentioned I've told my courier to wait until I let her know which of the above possibilities will has occurred, so that I might be able to update her with the location and time you are set to wake up at... I'm afraid I have to leave this branch now - if you do happen to enter stasis (even if it's many years from now), please send an email to my associate giving the exact time and location of your wake point before entering. I won't be able to recieve or reply to further emails to this address, but he will be able to contact me, and regardless of what temporal signature I am at, I will contact my courier at the meeting point, and tell her to go to your correct wake point. best of luck to you, If I don't contact you on a safe branch, I'm afraid we may never communicate again, and I sincerely hope that is not the case...
A week later, the spammer was trying again.
From: "" <stimpy@(email)> To: <alfredog@(email)> Subject: Dimensional Warp Generator Needed x Date: Fri, 29 Aug 03 13:16:32 GMT X-Spam-Status: Yes, hits=11.4 required=7.5 tests=DATE_IN_PAST_03_06,FORGED_MUA_OUTLOOK,MISSING_MIMEOLE, NO_REAL_NAME,RAZOR2_CHECK,RCVD_IN_OPM,X_PRIORITY_HIGH version=2.55 X-Spam-Level: *********** X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.55 (18.104.22.168-2003-05-19-exp) X-Spam-Report: ---- Start SpamAssassin results 11.40 points, 7.5 required; * 1.9 -- Sent with 'X-Priority' set to high * 0.8 -- From: does not include a real name * 2.1 -- Listed in Razor2, see http://razor.sf.net/ * 0.3 -- Date: is 3 to 6 hours before Received: date * 2.3 -- RBL: Received via a relay in opm.blitzed.org [RBL check: found 22.214.171.124.opm.blitzed.org.,] [type: 127.1.0.22] * 0.5 -- Message has X-MSMail-Priority, but no X-MimeOLE * 3.5 -- Forged mail pretending to be from MS Outlook ---- End of SpamAssassin results X-Spam-Flag: YES Hello, I'm a time traveler stuck here in 2003. Upon arriving here my dimensional warp generator stopped working. I trusted a company here by the name of LLC Lasers to repair my Generation 3 52 4350A watch unit, and they fled on me. Since nobody in this timeline seems to be able to deliver what I need (safely here to me), I will have to build a simple time travel circuit to get where I need myself. While it might be hard to find parts in this time to build anything decent, I need easy to follow schematics from the future to build one which is safe and accurate that will not disrupt the time space continuum with both forward and backward capability accounting for temporal location settings (X, Y, Z, n), which can be built out of (readily available) parts here in 2003. Please email me any plans you have. I will pay good money for anything you send me I can use. Or if you have a dimensional warp generator available, and are 100% certain you have a (safe secure) means of delivering it to me please also reply with a secure way to contact you. Send a separate email to me at: webmaster@(email) Do not reply back directly to this email as it will only be bounced back to you. Thank You Brian Appel hatchetztsmgsx l iyw zdszgspdfv
After searching around a bit, I found a website from someone who claimed to have actually gone to the drop-off point. http://www.inertramblings.com/archives/000250.html . There is also a great Wired article about the time-travel spammer.
If you like the concept of time-travellers on the internet, you will love the story of John Titor, which you can read at http://johntitor.strategicbrains.com/ Unlike the confused ramblings of my crazy spammer, John Titor really thought out his whole story very well, and presented it well. I suspect that my spammer was aquainted with the John Titor story, especially because of his mention of a GE branded time travel device.
<- Back to James's Stuff