Hamster Republic -> James -> James's amusing spam archive: The Time Traveler

Part of my morning routine at work is to glance through the spam-can account on our mail server and see if any legitimate mail was filtered as a "false positive". One morning an unusual spam caught my eye. I stopped and read it.

From: "" <abby@(email)>
To: <theresar@(email)>
Subject: Warp Watch Needed bbeyxiowi h o oxsd
Date: Sat, 23 Aug 03 07:18:37 GMT
X-Spam-Status: Yes, hits=12.0 required=8.0
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X-Spam-Report:   ---- Start SpamAssassin results
  12.00 points, 8 required;
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I am going to need a new DWG unit, prefereably the rechargeable AMD
wrist watch model with the GRC79 induction motor, four I80200 warp
stabilizers, 512GB of SRAM and the menu driven GUI with front panel XID
display. I'm a time traveler stuck here in 2003.  Upon arriving here my
dimensional warp generator stopped working. I trusted a company here by
the name of LLC Lasers to repair my Generation 3 52 4350A watch unit,
and they fled on me.

I will take whatever model you have in stock, as long as its received
certification for being safe on carbon based life forms.

In terms of payment:
Payment can be made in Galactic Credits, Platinum gold, or 2003 currency
upon safe delivery of unit.

Please transport unit in either a brown paper bag or box to below
coordinates on Friday August 22nd at (exactly 4:00pm) Eastern Standard
Time. A few minutes prior will be ok, but it cannot be after. If you
miss this timeframe please email me. Nobody will be at those coordinates
prior to 3:45pm EST, (so do not transport before then).

Item is to be delivered at beginning of Lagrange Street in Winchester,
Massachusetts which is directly across the street from Stratford Road
located at: Latitude N 42.44852 & Longitude W 071.14651 and the
BLOCK IT??? If in doubt do not transport actual unit until your method
of transfer can be confirmed as a success. You just might need to send a
intergalactic courier to deliver item safely to me. It is best if you
send a intergalactic courier to deliver, this way you can be certain the
unit arrives ok, However If you are certain that you have the means to
teleport unit in a safe manner please send a (separate) email to me at:
webmaster@(email) only after unit has been safely
delivered with payment instructions.

Brian Appel

Do not reply directly back to this email as it will only be bounced back to you.

bankjzfnn ok fzvk l ekfimj jf ea

This spam amused me so much, that I decided to reply to it. It was funny and harmless, and that tickled me. I felt that the spam was calculated to make me laugh, so I wrote a reply with the intention of making the spammer laugh. I had a lot of fun inventing technical terms for this reply.

Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 09:25:10 -0700
From: James Paige <jamesp@(email)>
To:  abby@(email),  webmaster@(email)>
Subject: Re: Warp Watch Needed bbeyxiowi h o oxsd

I haven't got the DWG unit you need, but I do have several similarly 
capable devices based on the newer XNXE1223 standard in stock. This 
model is wrist-mounted, has quad warp stabilizers, and sufficient 
resources. It doesn't have a GUI, but it has a very intuitve AUI. Will 
this work for you? Because it is unused (0.000071 entrophy stain), I 
would have to ask you for full retail price. I prefer payment in 
Galactic credits, provided they have a counter-expiry date no sooner 
than DeltaNow-18ppk. otherwise I want 2003 US Currency.

I have reverse temporal engineering capability that I can use to extemp 
the hardware to the coords you desire, which should bypass any 
conventional teleportation interception. But of course, if you are 
uncomfortable with RTE, I can send a courier.

I would also appreciate it if you can send me your temporal signature. I 
am sure that if your timeline already has DWG tech, there will be no 
problem with exporting XNXE1223 tech to you, but as a formality I would 
like to see your tempsig anyway, as there are a number of timeline trees 
that I am not permitted to export it to.

James Paige

I expected no reply. I had done it more to amuse myself than anything else... but after a few hours, I got a reply back.

Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 09:38:37 -0700 (PDT)
From: titjrt ewewew <dirtbike019(email)>
Subject: Re: Warp Watch Needed bbeyxiowi h o oxsd
To: James Paige <jamesp@(email)>

Hello James,

Listen nobody has been able to teleport stuff to my
coordinats without it being redirected. I would prefer
you send a courier. The ranns have done terrible
things to be and are trying to stop me, If you have
the means to make it here safely with the unit I am
willing to pay a wooping 10 million galactic credits.

Please confirm your courier will be here at 4:00pm EST

This amused me so much, I decided I had to share the fun. I forwarded the original spam to Brian. Then I replied to the spammer, and referred him over to Brian.

BCC: Brian Fisher <Brian@(email)>
Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 10:05:23 -0700
From: James Paige <jamesp@(email)>
To: titjrt ewewew <dirtbike019@(email)>, 
Subject: Re: Warp Watch Needed bbeyxiowi h o oxsd

Well, RTE is pretty much unredirectable, because it is based on a 
fate-engine, but there are a lot of ethical and safety considerations in 
using it. A courier is the best way. That is why I like this place! So 
quaint, so simple!

Unfortunately the 10 galactic megacredits will be entirely inadequate. I 
don't know what kind of backwater timeline you come from, but were I 
come from we simply don't do business on those levels.

But you do have my sympathy. I have tangled with the ranns once before, 
and I don't envy a man in your situation. I am going to refer you to a 
friend of mine who does a lot of "charity" work, and deals in older 
equipment. His address is Brian@(email). He has a large 
selection, and might even be able to hook you up with the DWG you were 
originaly asking for. I don't know if he can get to you by your 4:00pm 
EST deadline, but if you are still alive and chronological afterwards 
keep waiting for his reply, as I am sure if he will accept your price, 
he would have no problem with recursing back to then to will-haven-been 
there on time.

With apologies,
James Paige

The spammer then mailed Brian.

From: titjrt ewewew <dirtbike019@(email)> wrote:
To: Brian@(email)>

I will pay 10 million galactic credits if you have the
means to deliver safely to me. Please see below

Brian's response was wonderful.

Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 12:24:18 -0700
From: Brian Fisher <brian_fisher@(email)>
To: titjrt ewewew <dirtbike019@(email)>,
Subject: Re: [Need Amd Warp warp, refered to you]

Mr. Appel,
 I simply cannot deliver by courier to your location until about 2 centuries
after the time you requested. The problem is simply that with this time
branch, if the couriers of the type I employ, were sent to the planet &
temporal signature that I am assuming you are at (from your method of
contacting me & language), It would undoubtably make your problems with the
ranns worse, due to how it might affect the time branch we are on.

Although I have and will, in certain occasions, been willing to perform
services that have had the potential to cause rather significant branch
folding, the way I have avoided your type of predicament in such cases relies
on sending couriers through RTE. I really can't go into the details of how I
accomplish this, except to say that the only couriers capable of surviving
such an activity without causing detectable folding problems in their own
life-span, would make quite an impression on the population of this
"Massachusetts" place.

And to be perfectly blunt, I don't believe anyone you are capable of
communicating with will ever be able to perform what you have requested.

However, I don't want you to be without hope, as I've solved problems for
people in very similar situations to your own... the method is essentially for
you to go into some sort of stasis mode until a time on this branch when I can
make a courier delivery of the type you have requested, and from there we can
use a more aggressive approach to help you get to a time branch that the ranns
won't touch you on... (and hopefully we can move you off of a DWG, I guess no
one has brought you to temporal signature advanced versus your initial
departure to teach you the real tricks of the trade yet...)

I hope you consider this approach - in fact, I have already sent a courier to
the location requested with equivalent equipment, at a time signature roughly
DeltaNow-6pdk (to be more precise 3:53 EST Feb. 28 2235, I'd give the UUTC
number based off this timeline, but I'm not sure if you have the equipment to
translate, and I like to avoid using such unset standards in interceptible
communication to avoid minor folding problems). So the opportunity is
available if you are willing to trust me.

As far as statis goes, phased methods are best, but my couriers have the
medical equipment to recover people from the more primitive cryogenics as long
as they use a plasma delivery - however you obviously must be very careful
about storage issues with such a method.

With respect to payment - no monetary compensation is necessary - however... I
think my associate may have been generous with the term "charity". Basically,
I trade in services, not financials, and I would of course expect you to be
willing to assist me in some tasks that require someone experienced in living
in human enviornments. I assume from the predicament you are in that, you
wouldn't be at all adverse to the opportunities that I can provide.

However, if I have misinterpreted you, you can always refuse, and I will let
you find your own path with a new DWG from the temporal signature I mentioned
above. My only warning in that case would be I can't solve your problems with
the ranns if you don't take my offer - and the ranns will certainly have more
options they are willing to employ in the your physical location at the
advanced temporal signature.

Finally, I'm afraid we will have to settle any business within just a couple
of hours. Because of the types of activities I am involved in, I can't have a
presence in such an early period for more than a very short time. I'm only
able to recieve communication in this location at all because my associate let
me know about your case. When I have to leave, I won't be able to find a way
to communicate with you within quite a long period.

If I don't hear from you again, best of luck. You have my sympathy.

But apparently the spammer did not totally understand.

From: titjrt ewewew <dirtbike019@(email)>
To: Brian Fisher <brian_fisher@(email)>


Thank You for replying back. 4:00 pm EST is in just
another half hour. I will be at the mentioned
coordinates, and can only meet within this
time/dimension as I do not have any other
transportation equipment. 3rd dimension, 2003 at
alloted time and coordinates. If I do not see you
there at 4:00, there must be some other way to work
this out. I will be happy to help you out, I hope you
will be able to arrive to me safely with the

Let me know

Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 14:42:53 -0700
From: Brian Fisher <brian_fisher@(email)>
To: titjrt ewewew <dirtbike019@(email)>,
Subject: Re: Courier is there 232 years past communication date

I'm sorry you seem to have misunderstood - my courier IS at your location, but
only at 232 years advance of our current temporal signature on our current
branch - She can be there no earlier on this branch!

My courier has reported she can't find you at your location at the future time
I told you - It seems that either:
A) you will be either unwilling or unable to successfully enter stasis (which
would be regrettable, but I can understand)
B) you will be in phase stasis past the time I mentioned (I understand
precision of some phase stasis devices is less than ideal)
C) you will be in cryogenic storage at a location other than the one I

I've told my courier to wait until I let her know which of the above
possibilities will has occurred, so that I might be able to update her with
the location and time you are set to wake up at...

I'm afraid I have to leave this branch now - if you do happen to enter stasis
(even if it's many years from now), please send an email to my associate
giving the exact time and location of your wake point before entering. I won't
be able to recieve or reply to further emails to this address, but he will be
able to contact me, and regardless of what temporal signature I am at, I will
contact my courier at the meeting point, and tell her to go to your correct
wake point.

best of luck to you, If I don't contact you on a safe branch, I'm afraid we
may never communicate again, and I sincerely hope that is not the case...

A week later, the spammer was trying again.

From: "" <stimpy@(email)>
To: <alfredog@(email)>
Subject: Dimensional Warp Generator Needed x
Date: Fri, 29 Aug 03 13:16:32 GMT
X-Spam-Status: Yes, hits=11.4 required=7.5
X-Spam-Level: ***********
X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 2.55 (
X-Spam-Report:   ---- Start SpamAssassin results
  11.40 points, 7.5 required;
  *  1.9 -- Sent with 'X-Priority' set to high
  *  0.8 -- From: does not include a real name
  *  2.1 -- Listed in Razor2, see http://razor.sf.net/
  *  0.3 -- Date: is 3 to 6 hours before Received: date
  *  2.3 -- RBL: Received via a relay in opm.blitzed.org
  [RBL check: found,]
  *  0.5 -- Message has X-MSMail-Priority, but no X-MimeOLE
  *  3.5 -- Forged mail pretending to be from MS Outlook
  ---- End of SpamAssassin results
X-Spam-Flag: YES


I'm a time traveler stuck here in 2003. 
Upon arriving here my dimensional warp generator stopped working. I
trusted a company here by the name of LLC Lasers to repair my Generation
3 52 4350A watch unit, and they fled on me.  Since nobody in this
timeline seems to be able to deliver what I need (safely here to me), I
will have to build a simple time travel circuit to get where I need
myself. While it might be hard to find parts in this time to build
anything decent, I need easy to follow schematics from the future to
build one which is safe and accurate that will not disrupt the time
space continuum with both forward and backward capability accounting for
temporal location settings (X, Y, Z, n), which can be built out of
(readily available) parts here in 2003. Please email me any plans you
have. I will pay good money for anything you send me I can use. Or if
you have a dimensional warp generator available, and are 100% certain
you have a (safe secure) means of delivering it to me please also reply
with a secure way to contact you. Send a separate email to me at:  

Do not reply back directly to this email as it will only be bounced back to you.

Thank You
Brian Appel

hatchetztsmgsx l  iyw  zdszgspdfv

After searching around a bit, I found a website from someone who claimed to have actually gone to the drop-off point. http://www.inertramblings.com/archives/000250.html . There is also a great Wired article about the time-travel spammer.

If you like the concept of time-travellers on the internet, you will love the story of John Titor, which you can read at http://johntitor.strategicbrains.com/ Unlike the confused ramblings of my crazy spammer, John Titor really thought out his whole story very well, and presented it well. I suspect that my spammer was aquainted with the John Titor story, especially because of his mention of a GE branded time travel device.

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