" Howdy there! My name is Harvey. This is the happy Hamster house. Its one of the few places that we Hamsters can be safe. Ed in the other room will sell you stuff. That hyper one is Punchy, What a fencer!" " Hi Bob! Good to see you! Did you by any chance stop at Spitter's shop on your way here? He makes a great doughnut!" " In a cave somewhere, there is a nice old Hamster who will heal travelers." " Vlad Dracula `the impaler' was the ruler of Wallachia in the fourteenth century. The world remembers him as Bram Stoker's Dracula Vampire, but the people of Romania hail him as a hero because he defended the people from the hated Turks. I just thought you should know that." " Machen sie haben karotte?... Machen sie haben karotte!?!... Machen nicht sie sprechen Deutsch?... Dummkopf!" " You like this game? Well then you should try `Bob the Hamster' or `Sidewalk Fighter II' or `Shipwars' just to name a few of the incredible BriTech games now available only over the modem. Also look for 'Bob the Hamster VGA' coming soon to a computer near you." " Have you ever danced with a gerbil under the pale moon light of an albino stuck to the ceiling? You have? Well you are pretty warped!" " Wecome ta Spitter's Doughnut Shop. I is da proprieter, Spitter. Da fella behind da counter is my associate, Guido. Guido makes da doughnuts, and I makes sure dat we gets LOTS of repeat customois." " You gonna buya doughnut or what?" " Okay, Listen up Malone, I wants ya ta take dis package of `doughnuts' up ta Arnold's place an eschange it for da `moichandice',see?....Hey! You aint Malone! Who is ya? If you's a copper, I's gonna hafta have Guido show you da door!" " Wadda ya mean? dis is a very legitimate establishment!" " I am Arnold. Here you can buy food. Here you can buy weapons. Here you can buy Bobka-Seltzer. I drink Bobka- Seltzer three meals a day. that is why I am so buffed." " Doughnut is wimpy, but easier to hit enemies with. Plunger sucks life, as well as toilet clogs. Beans are just the fuel. The intestine does all the work. Ausie Hamsters perfected the cheeserang technique. You will learn it. When I want to kill a monster, I smack it with a fish." " My family comes from Romania. Vlad the Impaler was once ruler there. He had an impressive sword. But the Turkish Sultan cursed it." " Hey man! you like my snowman? Huh? You don't think its ugly do you? Like you don't think its reeealy reeealy ugly? ...do you?... You think its ugly. You think its ugly! Don't you! Admit it! .....Actually, now that you mention it, it IS kinda ugly. Thank you for the advice. What would I do without you?" " I'm Wilbur Malone. I sit here all day and make snowmen. You'd think that after years and years I might get good at it, but Nooooo." " How do I make a living building snowmen? Well, I dont. I've got a job on the side delivering doughn- ..... Did I say job? No, no, I.... um... live off welfare! yeah,yeah, thats the ticket!" " Pssst! I'll tell you a secret... But if the programmer catches me, I'm as good as deleted... Press the [F7] key 38 times to access the secret mode." " Wilbur, that Hamster over there making the snowman keeps telling people that something spiffy will happen if the [F7] key is pressed 38 times. I think that that is a pretty shiftless rumor to circulate." " Hi! are you Bob? wow! THE Bob! I've always wanted to meet a hero. Is it spiffy being a hero? Is it fun being a hero? Are you going to go on talk shows after you beat up all the monsters? Are you? Huh?" " Some people say I'm annoying. But you dont think I'm annoying? Do you?" " Spam is good, Spam is great, Spam is good, Spam is Spam. La, La, La, LAAAA! Come on Bob, Sing along!" " You discovered a secret warp portal! Where will it lead? a new level? Will it take you back in time? Or will it just chew your atoms up and spit them back out?" " Help us! that hideous thing attacked us while we were collecting moon rocks! Please save us!" " We didn't do anything to provoke it. It just all of a sudden started to throw moon rocks at us." " My partner was throwing moon rocks at that thing, and it started to attack us. Please help!" " Tu jeter luneroche a moi, Je jeter luneroche a tu! Aller au loin, ou je volonte mal tu deuxieme temps" " I derive no joy from honking my nose. I never voluntarily cram myself into a tiny car. I'm just not cut out to be a clown." " I hate being a clown. I'm just not silly enough. I have no skill at being absurd. And my self esteem is shot to pieces. Even if I am doing my job well, everybody still laughs at me to my face." " I could have been a neurosurgeon, or a tax acountant, or even a hero like you!, but NOOOOO. My parents had to go and name me `Bozo', so I'm doomed to be a clown all of my life." " Das yoo vant to buy ah bahloon? Dey is so beeg and colorfool. you like?" " Deese bahloons is vary `ard to `old. I is aphraid zat I veel be caryed avay buy de vind! I hobe zat sumevahn buis zem. I gots un goot yello van veeth `appy phase pained on it. You like?" " A srange `amster vas ere yeserdai und buyed ah nize znowmhan bahloon. `E zaid iss naem vas Weelbur Mahlone. `E zeemed `ike ah shieftlees zart off `amster. I zeenk `e vas meekst oop een ze dohgnoot mavia." " Wow! this amusement park is astounding! There are so many things to do that I can't pick where to start!" " I love the carousel! I rode it over and over and over until I barfed! As soon as I feel a little better I'm going to do it again! I love this!" " Did you see the zoo yet? Its so cool! I fed the Pink Plip out of my hand! It's tame of course. But that Snatchle sure isn't! I found a ladder in the corner and put it up against the Snatchle's pen so I could see it better. Boy it's vicious!" " I'm a tourist from out of town. I came here to see this amusement park and the zoo, but I didn't expect all the monsters. I was almost killed getting here." " Before I became a zookeeper, I was in the doughnut mafia. I got caught doing a sprinkle-frosting job, and was thrown in the slammer. Talk about lack of loyalty, Spitter hired some shiftless snow artist to take my place not two days later. I got off on a technicality, but I've stayed on the right side of the law ever since." " I've learned a lot being the zookeeper here. This here is a Pink Plip. he's tame as a house flea. That mean green one is a Snatchle. We have a pair of Vrangs, a Skinny, a Oogler and a rare Blue Goomple." " Have you seen my ladder? I left it in my office, and now its gone." " What do I feed these animals? Why I feed them only the best top grade SPAM on the market. Same stuff I feed my wife and kids. You like SPAM doncha?" " How Inteligent are these animals? Well, Most of them are just slightly dumber than dirt. But that there Pink Plip is so stupid that it'll forget to breathe if you don't kick it once in a while." " Can any of these animals talk? Not even close! They're not smart enough to. But I've heard rumors that Skinnys (which originaly came from the moon) used to be able to speak some French." " Me used live by lake. Lake big. Long way off. Only one tree there. Me go near tree once. Me find cold place. Green rocks there. Then me come back." " šweeeeeerp! £weeeeerp! –weeeerp! —weeerp! uweerp! ... Squeeeeeee!!!" " Hello there young'n. How you be? I'd a be right glad to share some 'o my hamster food with ye. I'd sit an talk awhile, but I has got to go see ifn the plumber is a doin his job." " I have so many beautiful paintings! I am so sad that I have to look at them one at a time. Do you own any paintings? If you don't then you are a nobody." " I need one more painting to complete my collection. Until I get it, I'm going to sit in this here picture frame so that no one will notice." " My art collection is so spiffy that Elvis Presley himself came to see it. Last week, the queen of England came to see it, and the week before, it was Vlad Dracula. Next week I'll be getting a visit from the programmer." " Are you a fan? I'd be glad to sing you a few tunes... For a few Sunseeds... Work has been slow lately." " Why was everyone saying I was dead? Well, the doughnut mafia was out to get me, so I staged my death. I've only recently come out of hiding. Now that I'm back, Me impersonators everywhere are out of work. Oh well, I'm the king, not them. Maybe they'll get part time jobs as mall Santas." "What do you think of this new song? There was a squid, up in my nose. I sneezed him out, onto the floor. He twitched and squirmed, till he was dead. I never again, Had a squid in my head!" " No autographs today, I'm still in a bad mood about my daughter getting married to that weirdo. He's had too many nose jobs, dresses funny, and he sings like a sissy, and he didnt invite me to the wedding just because he thought I was dead. Oh well. At least he's rich." " I say chap, what do you think of these right jolly paintings? I was at the auction where this one was sold." " I just had a spot of tea with Elvis Presley!" " This is the second worst painting you have ever seen." " En'guarde! Parry! Thrust! Dodge! Slash! Counter! Slice! Dice! Make french fries in three easy steps!" " Care to fence a bit? If you're not up to it then go away and let me practice alone." " Let me warn you, I wont go easy on you just because you're a beginner." " Duh. Is you here at this here doughnut shop to buy you a doughnut?" " Hi der! I is Guido! I is da best thug in da whole doughnut maf- OUCH! Why dija hit me boss?" " Last week da boss and I made a nice concrete doughnut for dis guy whats was snoopin around. Trouble is, he `went swimmin' right after we fed it ta him. Oh well, cramps is cramps." " Alas poor Yorrick, I knew me well. Get thee to a convent!...no, wait... is that right? I won't always be a sales clerk at this cafe. Someday I will be a great actor!" " Welcome to Arnold's (Diner/Armory). My name is Yorrick. I'll be your (waiter/ armorer) today. Is there anthing I can get for you to (eat/kill things with)?" " Woah! Be careful! these bombs are EXTREEMLY dangerous!... Want some?" " Hi. My name is Ivan the combustable. Always observe proper safety when you are blasting things to smithereens. I learned that lesson from my father, Peter the fingerless, who learned it from his father, Borris the burnt. Some day, I'll teach it to my son Yuri. Yuri doesnt have a title yet." " On sale now! The ACME Viviplunger! Unclog your toilet! Unclog your bathtub! Unclog your sink! Impress your Friends! Thwack your enemies!" " Available exclusively here at the Happy Hamster House! The incredible relic, Vlad's Rapier! sharpest sword in the world! So sharp you could shave with the hilt! (Ed's merchandice assumes no responsibility for curses.)" " Hungry? We sell food! Carrots, grain, you name it! Dirty food, dirt cheap!" " Be careful when using bombs. you can Nuke yourself just as easy as the enemys. Dont try to actually club the monster with the explosive, that will barely hurt it. Instead, place the bomb in a strategic location and wait. If you press [ENTER], all the bombs on the screen will disappear. Good luck with your blasting." " Hello Bob. My name is Vlad the Hamster. I'm rather impressed that you found my house. Actually, I'm the villain in this game, but don't worry. I won't impale you or anything. I wont spoil the plot for you anymore. I see you have my old sword. It sure was nice. Its a shame that darn Sultan cursed it. Well, since your here why not sit" " down and have a bite to eat. How would you like a spammy outfit like mine? I'll sell you one cheap. Hmmm, you found my house, so, you must like secrets. Let's see... I know of a river not too far off that you can actually walk across. And the Pink Plip at the zoo knows a nifty secret. And you can sometimes find useful weapons when" " you beat monsters. Oh yeah! have you met Wilbur Malone? he knows a whopper of a secret that you can use when you are talking to someone, but dont trust him to tell it to you straight, He is in the doughnut mafia, which means he is very SHIFTless." " Oh yes, before I forget, when you have to pummel me later on, you should try using my sword on me, I'm very susceptible to it's curse. After all, it was intended for me. See you at the end of the game!" " All right Bob, you beat me fair and square. I'll fess up if you let me go! You see, I was lying about that [F7] thing. the actual secret is to equip the frosted doughnut, go to Arnold's place, and stand on my snowman's head. then you press [F12] 38 times, [Tab] 15 times, and then leave the room and let an enemy kill you. If you do it all fast enough, you get the `Minced Onion' weapon, which has 50 attack power, has a range of 15, and heat- seeks the nearest enemy. Okay now that I told ya, can I go? And please don't tell Boss Spitter. If he finds out what I told you, then I'm as good as jelly filling." " We guard this door so that no more monsters can come through. We sealed it off only a few weeks ago." " This is the door that all the monsters entered our world through. I would advise you stay clear of it." " Rumor has it that Vlad the Hamster lives on the other side of the toothy door. He is the villain responsible for all of the monsters." " So you are a hero huh? Well, if you feel lucky you could try to beat Vlad the Hamster. But if you go for it, I'm placing my bet on Vlad. That's one bet I hope I lose." " Three cheers for Bob! Hip! Hip! Hooray! Hip! Hip! Hooray! Hip! Hip! Hooray!" " Wow, Bob, you beat the game! Can I have your autograph?" " Say, Bob, is it true that you were also the hero in some other great games like `Bob the Hamster' or `Bobs Casino'?" " Now that you beat the game, make a friend play! (have you seen the credits yet? if not, pick the `credits' option from the menu at the title screen.)" " Hi there Bob. Thanks for pummeling me back there. You see, I'm actually a really nice guy, but being a villain is my job, and I get a big cash bonus whenever a hero beats me up. Thanks again for doing so well!" " You have done very good. That is, good for someone less buffed than myself." " I'd play a song in your honor, but one of my guitar strings is broken. Well, the least I can do for someone who saved the world is to say, `Thankya verymuch.'" " You are a success. You can thwack ickys like there was no tomorrow. But me? I have to just sit here the rest of my life and be a stupid happy clown." " Say, thanks kid. Ya dida nize number on Vlad der. I was inprezed. does youse wants a job breakin kneecaps? ya wood be goodatit. No? Well, anytime ya wants a favor frum da doughnut mafia, you jus menton my name, ya hear?" " Duh. you're purty spiffy. Maybe I wil giv up be'in a thug, an try to be a hero. Ya tink I oughta loin to talk foist?" " I am not shiftless!" " Oo yah, I veel make a Bob shabed bahloon een yar ohner. Yew veel like eet!" " Good job! I couldn't have done it better myself! I am so impressed with your accomplishments, that I named my pet Plip after you. You should be proud that a fine specimen of the world's dumbest monster bears your name." " Why hello thar. you is a right good feller! You want to repair my sink?" " I'm going to have a picture of you painted to finish my collection. It'll be a masterpiece!" " Hooray for Bob! If you liked my bombs, you'll love this, press [ENTER] to pause the game, and wait. after a while, you'll see a fireworks display." " Hey there, I took time off from my moonrock collecting to fly back to Earth and congratulate you. Congratulations!" " To be, or to not be, those are the questions. Tis nobler to-... oh darn! I forgot again!" " You look like a hero, thats what you look like. I can see, that you need an agent to help you with your media circus, your made-for-TV-movie and your computer game. I would be willing to be your agent for say, two hundred sunseeds?" " Not bad. For an amateur. I could have done it better. After all, I'm a skilly fencer. So when should I start giving you lessons?"