Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 21st, 2005
Current mood: Dead serious… no, really
Okay, so I am concerned about the turmoil in Iraq. The situation isn’t getting any better, and we all know what needs to be done, but everybody seems to be afraid to actually come out and say it. Well, no longer. Somebody has to put this out on the table.
Iraq is full of people who are suffering in the absence of enlightening western culture. Our military boys are doing their best over there, but it is hard work, what with being halfway around the world. Here is a little diagram of the relative positions:
As you can see, there is a considerable distance between the United States and Iraq. This slows cultural assimilation, and makes military logistics inconvenient. The solution to this problem is right in front of our faces. Just move Iraq!First we will need to separate Iraq from it’s neighbors. By moving India and Pakistan further east, and moving Saudi Arabia a few east African nations south, we can make the persian gulf wide enough to extract Iraq.
This separation is important, not just because Iraq is mostly landlocked, but because neighboring nations are a source of subversive Islamic culture which slows Iraq’s progress into the 21st century. Many of the insurgents who our brave troops fight every day are actually nationals of other middle-eastern nations who have snuck across the border just for the purpose of interfering. As anybody knows, swimming across an ocean is far more difficult than sneaking through a checkpoint.The next step is to run a tow chain from Iraq to our Navy, and tow the whole country around Africa and fasten it somewhere on the East Coast of North America, where we can keep an eye on it more easily.
Attached to, say, Georgia, Iraq will be conveniently close-to-home. Our troops will not have to travel so far to serve, and will even be able to skip over to Disney World on weekend leaves. More importantly, the Iraqi people will have ready access to American culture, and in no time, they might even be interested in applying for statehood.Naturally, Iraqi statehood will be controvertial with some people, but wasn’t this country founded on immigration? Isn’t it a Melting Pot? Below is a proposed new American flag featuring 51 stars in a new radial configuration to emphasize globalization.
, Puerto Rico