James Paige

Current mood: Rejuvenated

Knife on a Hamster on a Snake on a Plane!!!

Current mood: Stabby

Exhibit 1: (Not my artwork, this was a source of inspiration)

Exhibit 2: (Not my artwork. Fenrir-Lunaris drew this. It was a source of inspiration)

Exhibit 3: (Yeah, this one is mine!)

Bob the Fighting Machine will cut you! Ya! Ya! Ya!… Can’t… quite… stand… up… *Rrrgh!*

Current mood: hurty but good

The debate in the scientific community rages on; Exactly how to classify the newly discovered endangered mammal recently sighted in Harbor City, on the campus of LA Harbor College.

The so-called “Harbor City Bushy-Tailed Rat-Bear” has not yet been given an official scientific name, as a specimen has not yet been captured and described in detail, nor, in fact, has one even been photographed yet. However, numerous descriptions from reliable eye-witnesses have been composited to bring you this sketch.

Questions still abound regarding this mystery-animal. Is it a native species or an import?. Did toxins from the refinery cause mutations which resulted in the rapid evolvement of a new species?

Conservationalists are already calling for legislation to protect this new animal. Although more study is required, the Rat-Bear’s habitat may already be in danger of being destroyed by the College’s construction and expansion work. Furthermore, the Rat-Bear’s proximity to Machado Lake Park puts it at risk for direct contact with Reggie the Alligator, Harbor City’s other famous exotic animal.

In an interview with naturalist Dr. C. Lynn Moon, she was quoted as saying; “We have a working theory that the Rat-Bear may be the product of hybrid cross-breeding between a wild animal like a squirrel, and an escaped domestic pet such as a cat or Shi-tzu. Imagine if this same animal became too ‘friendly’ with Reggie. The possible consequences are too terrifying to contemplate!”

Current mood: Lunching

This morning, a co-worker forwarded me an e-mail which included this photo, along with a heartwarming story about how a Tigress in a zoo, distraught over the loss of her cubs, was brought out of her state of feline depression when clever zookeepers brought her a litter of piglets to raise as a surrogate mother.

I for one, did not believe the story for one minute. This photograph clearly exposes a sinister government plot to genetically engineer a new race of deadly man-eating attack-pigs for military use. Your tax dollars at work.

Current mood: numismanic

I was at the grocery store buying milk and bananas, and when I payed, the nice little robot that helps the cashier dispense the change gave me some coins. One of them caught my eye immediately. It was different. I immediately singled it out, and started babbling about it to the cashier, (delaying the line of people behind me) and nearly left without taking my groceries with me. Jefferson’s face had moved to a different place on the Nickel!

Now pretty much exactly the same thing happened months ago at a different grocery store, last time Jefferson moved.I tell you, this guy on the Nickel was a great founding father and all, but he is dead! Dead presidents should have the common decency to stop moving! It is spooking me out!

Besides being a little bit scary to see this face moving around the coin, I feel like it weakens the coin. I know the State Quarters were a big hit, but that was the backs of the coins, not the fronts. Now you could counterfit any slug of metal, and as long as you got the size right, it would not matter what picture you put on it, I would be willing to believe it was a legit coin.

I guess they don’t really care about coin counterfitting. Our currency has inflated enough that coins aren’t worth much of anything anymore. It would cost far more to fake tham than what they are worth. You know pennies are not made of copper anymore, right? Copper is way too valuable for that. Copper is extremely important for microchips and for wiring, and for all sorts of other important industrial uses– and there is a fixed amount of it available on earth. There will be no increase in the available global copper supply until after asteroid mining becomes feasable.

Perhaps that is why Abe Lincoln has been holding still. He is Thinking about the Future!

Current mood: Worried that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching

As for this “Christmas” thing, I can explain. Christmas is an obscure winter festival with complicated religious connections. It has been associated at one time or another with everything from paganism, to catholicism, to protestantism, and back again. It falls on the day before (and the day after) Anatidaephobia day, and lately it has been used to distract from and corrupt the far more important message of Being Aware That A Duck Is Always Watching You. This “Christmas Tree” is an attempt to embellish the traditional Anatidaephobia Day All-Natural Duck Blind Tree. Particularly subversive is the addition of sparkly tinsel and shiny baubles to the Duck Blind Tree, things which are sure to draw the attention of the ever-watchful duck.

Behold! I am Elephim; the Great Pink Elephant! Patron Saint of Raspberry Shnapps, and Guardian Angel of those who, thanks to high tolerance and body-mass-index, remain sober enough to drive home safely, yet are just drunk enough to fail a breathalyzer test! Those who honor me may do so by over-tipping your barmaid! Those who worship me may do so by driving a stolen tractor through your neigbor’s cactus-patch at 2:15 AM while singing How Dry I Am off-key and dischaging a firearm into the air. To know me is to love me, and to love me is to not remember who has your keys in the morning.

It will rain today. Your lucky numbers are 3, 118, 4, 5, 6

Current mood: Humidified

I am currently in Tennessee. For those of you who have never been here, it is just like California, except with more trees, more grass, more humidity, and a whole lot less everything else. For those of you who have never been to California, that comparison is useless. For those of you who are from California, that comparison is probably still useless.

I guess a better way to put it is this;

They have fireflies here. You drive down the road, and you can see them winking on and then off again among the plants growing at the side of the road. I like to imagine that they are greeting the car’s headlights, which they might have mistaken for their long lost king and queen.

A possum ran across the road in front of me. I am happy to say that I missed him. Sadly, I cannot say the same of about 30 percent the frogs that have tried the same stunt this week.

The sky has been unapollogetically rainey and wet this week. When I look out the window, I expect it to be cold, but it isn’t. It is hot outside, pretty much all the time. This is widely agreed to be an unpleasant thing, but actually I think it is not so bad. Sure, the shock of walking from an excessively air-conditioned room into the hot humid outdoors isn’t very nice, but once you get use to the outside air– and as long as you know a shower is waiting for you when you go back inside– it can be quite pleasant.

This picture is my house. The bushes out front are gone now, already rooted-up. Don’t feel bad for them. They were nicer bushes in the picture than they were in real life.

In the back is a lop-sided shed, another lop-sided shed, and a garage which, while not lop-sided, is certainly thinking about lopping. They will be torn down this week, and I get to stand by and watch. It is very important that I be present for this occasion, because there is a middling chance that one of the sheds has Pirate Treasure hidden in the roof. I am a little worried about how to fend off the Vengeful Zombie Pirate Skeletons which will no doubt leap out to guard it, but the demolition guys will have a bulldozer, and I think Sam (my contractor) is going to be bringing a chainsaw, so I think we can take them.

If all goes well, I will bring home a gold doubloon for each of you.

Current mood: Delighted

I have recently come in to a nearly limitless supply of DEATH.

Yes, that is right! For the past few weeks I have been banking a large number of really high quality death-threats, including “I’ll Kill you!“, “Your’e gonna die!” and the ever-popular “Oh, you want some death, don’t you?!”

So I was thinking about what I am going to do with all these death threats, and I decided that the best thing would be to Trade them in for a Puppy.

This picture here is a quick sketch of one I was looking at in the pound this morning. I don’t quite have enough* death threats to afford him yet, but they promised to hold him for me until the end of the month.

Isn’t he cute? Do you think I am making a good choice? I am thinking of naming him zippy. Anybody got any other suggestions?

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* Technically, I do already have enough death to trade afford the puppy, but some of the death threats I have received were accompanied by actual strangulation attempts, and as such, they have too much sentimental value for me to just trade them away. As you all know, a strangle is just a hug, aimed a little too high.

The Lion Fish Mermaid is a rare sub-species of Mermaid found in tropical regions of the Pacific and Indian oceans. She is venomous, having poison spines hidden within her feathery fins, the prick of which can cause temporary paralysis. Lion Fish Mermaids are hearty and resilient, and therefore they make good aquarium mermaids, though at times they can be moody and demanding. Buying her presents and complimenting her hair can help.