I was bitten by a Lemur

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on May 9th, 2005

I’m sorry I haven’t blogged in so long. I was bitten by a lemur. (Actually, to be perfectly correct, it was an Aye-aye, which is a species of small extra-ugly Lemur) Anyway, I spent the last week sick in bed, until last night, the lemur venom had finally worked its way through my system, and at the stroke of midnight, I became a were-lemur. I now spend most of my time gnawing on tree branches, or probing for grubs with my elongated middle finger. Mmm, grubs. Can’t get enough of those grubs! I don’t understand why lemur cuisine has not caught on in California. I think a big plate of those healthy sweet green grubs would sell really well around here, especially if you labeled them low carb, which would be true. Grubs are high in protein, but don’t have a lot of carbs. I think the whole anti-carb diet fad thing is really silly, but hey, whatever helps me sell grubs is okay by me.

Speaking of diet fads, anybody care to bet on which will be the next one? Ever since I was like five years old, I remember hearing about various diet fads. The first one I remember was the sugar-is-evil fad, which basically said that if you ever eat one whole tablespoon of sugar in a single sitting, you will go directly to hell. And also there was the ever-popular meat-is-evil fad, and then the fat-is-evil fad, which was eventually replaced by the oops-sorry-we-were-wrong-only-SATURATED-fat-is-evil fad, and then the cholesterol-is-evil fad, and then the bad-cholesterol-is-bad-but-good-cholesterol-is-good fad, and the anything-that-isn’t-protein-is-evil fad, which quickly evolved into the carbohydrates-are-evil fad. There were others, but I think those were the main ones. Also, I do remember that every so often I would see a news bit on the television where some heretic would say “Hey, eating whatever the heck you want in moderation along with regular exercise is all you need”, and everybody would nod sagaciously and agree that it was common sense, and then everyone would instantaneously forget about it, and go back to obsessing over the latest fad. Anyway, I sense that the carb fad is losing it’s steam, so I am wondering what is going to be next. My guess is moisture. I think that the next fad will be the dehydration diet, which states as undisputable clinical fact that all dietary ill-health, including obesity, fatness, pudgyness, overweightness, and I-could-stand-to-lose-five-poundsness are all caused by water. After all, the human body is over 80 percent water by volume, and as anyone can see, that is way too much! The object of the dehydration diet is to consume as little moisture as possible, without actually killing yourself. Some examples of fine dehydro cuisine include; raw flour, uncooked rice, powdered beef jerky, minced bay leaves, and orange-peel shavings. A dehydro feast might consist of all of those ingredients, mixed together, sifted, freeze-dried, vacuum-packed, and served cold (hot food can cause mousture to condense from the air, and is therefore unacceptable.) I predict that dehydro will be all the rage in California by the middle of 2006.

In the mean time, I am going to go figure out how to make grub-jerky.

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