Archive for June, 2005

A certain man went down from Jerusalem…

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 30th, 2005

A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.

And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.

But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,

And went to him, and asked to see his insurance card, but seeing that he was with an HMO that did not permit out-of-network care providers without a large co-pay, his compassion left him, and he also passed by on the other side.

Also, not to change the subject, but Gastropod-Squirrel loves Slime-Acorns!

You know… Slime-Acorns are great and all, but I probably should have kept that to myself. That was not the time or place for it.

Quantum Sock Dynamics

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 29th, 2005

Current mood: Fuzzy

Have you ever wondered why socks often lose their mates in the wash? I have a simple new theory to explain this phenomenon; a theory based on science, rather than superstition.

Quantum Sock Dynamics

A sock is a material expression of a special type of clothing-energy. This clothing energy has not been officially named, but for my own reference, I have been calling it Esock. This energy can exist as any scalar value, but it can only be quantized into physical socks in integer units. A pair of socks equals 2 units of Esock.

Now, the pair of socks I am wearing right now does not have exactly 2 units of Esock. That level of sock precision would be virtually impossible, even if we could discount the universe’s constant level of background sock radiation. I don’t currently have the means to accurately measure the energy in my socks, but for sake of example, lets say that they actually contain 2.0012645 Esock. The two full Esock‘s are materially expressed as the socks I am wearing, and the 0.0012645 of hypothetical sock energy remains in the form of static cling.

During daily wear, socks lose very little of their energy. Socks are fairly stable forms of cloth energy, and unlike hats on windy days, or women’s undergarments at a rock concert, they are unlikely to spontaneously vanish. The drying cycle at the laundry, however, is a different story. Washing and especially drying puts a great deal of electromechanical stress on a sock, and may cause a sock to lose enough energy that it dips beneath the quantum threshold for a pair of socks, and becomes merely a single sock instead. A pair of socks with 1.9995281 Esock will only be measurable as a single lonely sock, even though most of the sock energy from the second sock will still be present.

I intend to experimentally verify this theory by repeatedly washing a large sample-group of socks using varying levels of fabric softener, in an attempt to influence the quantization of lost socks… but I have to wait until laundry day.

Share A Meal of Kittens With A Friend

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 26th, 2005

51st State

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 21st, 2005

Current mood: Dead serious… no, really

Okay, so I am concerned about the turmoil in Iraq. The situation isn’t getting any better, and we all know what needs to be done, but everybody seems to be afraid to actually come out and say it. Well, no longer. Somebody has to put this out on the table.

Iraq is full of people who are suffering in the absence of enlightening western culture. Our military boys are doing their best over there, but it is hard work, what with being halfway around the world. Here is a little diagram of the relative positions:

As you can see, there is a considerable distance between the United States and Iraq. This slows cultural assimilation, and makes military logistics inconvenient. The solution to this problem is right in front of our faces. Just move Iraq!First we will need to separate Iraq from it’s neighbors. By moving India and Pakistan further east, and moving Saudi Arabia a few east African nations south, we can make the persian gulf wide enough to extract Iraq.

This separation is important, not just because Iraq is mostly landlocked, but because neighboring nations are a source of subversive Islamic culture which slows Iraq’s progress into the 21st century. Many of the insurgents who our brave troops fight every day are actually nationals of other middle-eastern nations who have snuck across the border just for the purpose of interfering. As anybody knows, swimming across an ocean is far more difficult than sneaking through a checkpoint.The next step is to run a tow chain from Iraq to our Navy, and tow the whole country around Africa and fasten it somewhere on the East Coast of North America, where we can keep an eye on it more easily.

Attached to, say, Georgia, Iraq will be conveniently close-to-home. Our troops will not have to travel so far to serve, and will even be able to skip over to Disney World on weekend leaves. More importantly, the Iraqi people will have ready access to American culture, and in no time, they might even be interested in applying for statehood.Naturally, Iraqi statehood will be controvertial with some people, but wasn’t this country founded on immigration? Isn’t it a Melting Pot? Below is a proposed new American flag featuring 51 stars in a new radial configuration to emphasize globalization.

Take that, Puerto Rico!

Plant Rights (featuring Stumpy the Stump!)

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 14th, 2005

Current mood: Vegetative

Hola! My name is Stumpy the Stump! How ya doin’ kids? I’m here to teach you about plant rights. Yep, that’s right. Plants are people too! Just because we don’t have DNA or Mitochondria or Formula D, that doesn’t mean we don’t have hearts and souls… well, actually, we don’t have hearts, as such, our circulatory systems are very different than yours, but we still have heart.

Sadly, the entire plant kindom is facing grave danger from human activities, including Logging, deforestation, vegetarianism, and chia pet abuse. Many humans are unaware of the suffering they cause to plants each and ever day. Few realize that plants died to provide them with their hardwood floors, toothpicks, post-it-notes, and stradavarius violins! Open your eyes, friends, and look around you! How many things do you use every day that are constructed from dead plant? How many of our children do you eat every day? That’s right! Fruits, nuts, and certain vegetables are our reproductibe progeny. Next time you take a bite of an apple, shed a tear for the tree that is grieving for it.

Does it have to be this way? No. Will animal-kind– especially humankind, always oppress and torment plant-kind? No, it will not always be so. Will we some day live in harmony? Or will our roles be reversed? Only you can decide that, my fragile nutirent-rich human friends.


 Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 11th, 2005

Current mood: Hungry

Edit: Yeah, The purple eyes work better. Thanks, Ryda!


 Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 9th, 2005

Current mood: Evil (ish)

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled bacon for this important announcement:


Try delicious new BACON™ brand BACON™! Now with absolutely no HUMAN SOULS™!


No, no, no! That’s not right! Let’s start again!


Try delicious new BACON™ brand BACON™! The only bacon which does not now nor has it ever contained any HUMAN SOULS™ whatsoever! Our BACON™ is made from the purest, finest, freshest most lushious and delicious slices of real pig. Yes, real pig is what the children ask for, and parents who love their children feed them BACON™! Buy BACON™ brand BACON™, and buy it with confidence; and remember! BACON™ brand BACON™ contains no HUMAN SOULS™! Nope, none! Not at all. No SOULS™.

BACON™ and HUMAN SOULS™ are registered trademarks of THE BACON CORPORATION. All rights reserved. Infringe on our intellectual property and our lawyers will eat your soul! Eat it with BACON™!


International Scout II (Nuclear Modded)

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 7th, 2005

Current mood: Blinkenzots

My current car has served me well, but when it wears out, I have already decided what to replace it with. My next car is going to be a heavily modded 1970 International Scout II. My first car was a Scout (unmodded), and I loved the high visibility, the fantasticly sharp turning radius, and the overall blocky bulky utilitarian stylings. Note that the Scout II was designed decades before the “SUV” became mainstream. The Scout was a “UV” plain and simple.

The main upgrade will be the Hypersonic Containment Fusion reactor in the back. This safe, clean, self-limiting reactor traps deuterium atoms in a resonant compression pattern, inducing highly efficient, small-scale, low-temperature fusion.

The generated electricity drives a Piezoelectromagnetic engine, which provides the drive-train with six to eight times the torque of a traditional internal combustion engine. Surplus energy from the reactor is stored in an array of angular momentum batteries which can power the car for several days of “silent mode” operation, and which double as gyroscopic stabilizers during cornering and braking.

The Nuclear Modded International Scout II can do 0 to 60 in 3.1 seconds with a top speed of one quarter the speed of sound. Its milage is measured in kilometers per liter of heavy water, averaging 18000 KpL2H2O on the highway, and 14500 KpL2H2O on city streets. It produces no toxic or radioactive emmisions, but you do have to empty the helium tank twice a year.

Now I just gotta figure out what color I want.

Evil Lincoln Clone #255

 Posted by Bob the Hamster on June 4th, 2005

Current mood: Losing Focus

You can only clone a man so many times. Genetic matter decays, even in stasis. Soul copies lose resolution. It is the Law of Entropy. Lincoln Clone #10 was a peacemaker. He calmed the warring tribes of northern Canada. Lincoln Clone #17 was a genius. He designed the first fission suppression device, from which modern area nuclear denial shields are descended. Lincoln Clone #44 was a great poet. he wrote the Ario Nokte and translated it into eighteen languages before he died. But it could not always be so. We knew the power of the Lincolns was fading. People said that a great soul spread so thin would diminish, and he would become like an ordinary man; but it was not so. Every iteration was as powerful in mind and body and spirit as the last, but the focus, only the focus failed.

Lincoln Clone #255 is pure evil. He poisons the sky, burns the earth, and steals the lives of our children. Now, we, my brothers, so diminished in our strength, must ride against him. Had we fought back in strong times, we would certainly have prevailed. Now nothing is certain. We must fight now, before our annihilation is certain.