James Paige

Author: Bob the Hamster

  • Flying Dream

    Current mood: Stable


    I had an awesome “flying” dream last night. I was in this place where it was nighttime-dark with tall leafless haunted-house-ish trees, three or four times taller than any real trees ever get, and in the midst of them was a giant ferris-wheel on the top of a pole (the ferris wheel was normal sized, but the bottom was ridiculously high off the ground) And I was flying around above it, and there was wind and lightening, and then the ferris-wheel slowly toppled and fell down between the trees (I don’t remember anyone being on it) and it was so vivid, and the feel of the motion, and the wind was so real, and I really felt the g-forces when I changed direction, and it was soo cool that I found myself throwing my hands up in the air and screaming like you do on a roller-coaster… and at that instant I realized I was sitting in the dark in a movie-theatre, watching it all, and my friends who were on the right and left of me laughed at me, and then threw their hands in the air too and screamed mockingly, which was embarrassing.

  • I was bitten by a Lemur

    I’m sorry I haven’t blogged in so long. I was bitten by a lemur. (Actually, to be perfectly correct, it was an Aye-aye, which is a species of small extra-ugly Lemur) Anyway, I spent the last week sick in bed, until last night, the lemur venom had finally worked its way through my system, and at the stroke of midnight, I became a were-lemur. I now spend most of my time gnawing on tree branches, or probing for grubs with my elongated middle finger. Mmm, grubs. Can’t get enough of those grubs! I don’t understand why lemur cuisine has not caught on in California. I think a big plate of those healthy sweet green grubs would sell really well around here, especially if you labeled them low carb, which would be true. Grubs are high in protein, but don’t have a lot of carbs. I think the whole anti-carb diet fad thing is really silly, but hey, whatever helps me sell grubs is okay by me.

    Speaking of diet fads, anybody care to bet on which will be the next one? Ever since I was like five years old, I remember hearing about various diet fads. The first one I remember was the sugar-is-evil fad, which basically said that if you ever eat one whole tablespoon of sugar in a single sitting, you will go directly to hell. And also there was the ever-popular meat-is-evil fad, and then the fat-is-evil fad, which was eventually replaced by the oops-sorry-we-were-wrong-only-SATURATED-fat-is-evil fad, and then the cholesterol-is-evil fad, and then the bad-cholesterol-is-bad-but-good-cholesterol-is-good fad, and the anything-that-isn’t-protein-is-evil fad, which quickly evolved into the carbohydrates-are-evil fad. There were others, but I think those were the main ones. Also, I do remember that every so often I would see a news bit on the television where some heretic would say “Hey, eating whatever the heck you want in moderation along with regular exercise is all you need”, and everybody would nod sagaciously and agree that it was common sense, and then everyone would instantaneously forget about it, and go back to obsessing over the latest fad. Anyway, I sense that the carb fad is losing it’s steam, so I am wondering what is going to be next. My guess is moisture. I think that the next fad will be the dehydration diet, which states as undisputable clinical fact that all dietary ill-health, including obesity, fatness, pudgyness, overweightness, and I-could-stand-to-lose-five-poundsness are all caused by water. After all, the human body is over 80 percent water by volume, and as anyone can see, that is way too much! The object of the dehydration diet is to consume as little moisture as possible, without actually killing yourself. Some examples of fine dehydro cuisine include; raw flour, uncooked rice, powdered beef jerky, minced bay leaves, and orange-peel shavings. A dehydro feast might consist of all of those ingredients, mixed together, sifted, freeze-dried, vacuum-packed, and served cold (hot food can cause mousture to condense from the air, and is therefore unacceptable.) I predict that dehydro will be all the rage in California by the middle of 2006.

    In the mean time, I am going to go figure out how to make grub-jerky.

  • Vacationing

    Current mood: 15% More Stressed than Usual


    Just so my millions and millions of nonexistant imaginary blog readers don’t worry about me, I will not have internet access for about a week because I am traveling to a strange foreign land on a quest to prevent an evil man with a handlebar moustache and a top hat from tying this house to the railroad tracks. When I catch him he will no doubt laugh maniacally, and twist the aforementioned moustache between his thumb and forefinger, and then I shall punch him in the nose and save the day. Whether or not the house will consent to give me its hand in holy matrimony is entirely up to her (the house)

  • Happyness is a Hang-Gliding Hamster

    Current mood: Groovy

    Yes it is true. Happyness is a hang-gliding hamster, flying free as a cloud, soaring over ice-capped mountains, then green fluffy forests, then over sun-bleached fields of wheat that spead as far as the eye can see, and finally out over the glistening sparking gemstone-blue ocean. At this point, a cold front being carried by the ocean currents causes the hamster to lose altitude uncontrollably, and he plunges into… er. No! Happy! Happy! Happy! …. um… then at this point, warm updrafts from a warm ocean current carry the hamster to dizzying new heights, and he soars all the way across the ocean, and finally lands in a crowded marketplace in Hong Kong, where in spite of an inability to comminicate verbally with the locals, he manages to trade his hang-glider for a questionably-packaged DVD boxed-set of several of his favorite Anime, before hopping on a cruise-ship back to the states.

  • Dadaist Music from Doron Sadja

    One of my favorite musicians is Doron Sadja. He is most well known* for his ultra-obscure CD A Piece of String, a Sunset, which features a 12 minute track which includes a single 12 minute musical tone which begins in a frequency above the range of human hearing, dropping into the range of painful “good-lord-what-is-that-screeching?” human hearing several minutes into the song, and continuing soothingly** down below the range of human hearing.

    For a limited time (sorry, i don’t know exactly how long), you can download for free Doron’s latest work, with his band ChOcklate CaKE from http://shinkoyo.com/wormhole/test.html Sadjeljko from http://sadjeljko.com/ it is not as acoustically aggressive as some of his other work, and people with no previous experience with this kind of experimental music can actually enjoy this.

    This style of music is difficult to categorize, but if I had to do it, I would call it Dadaist music. Dadaism is a mid-20th century art movement, characterized by “Deliberate irrationality and the rejection of the prevailing standards of art”, which is a pretty good description of what Doron’s music is all about.

    But don’t take my word for it, Listen to it for yourself.

    * By “well known”, I mean that there are actually other people besides me who have heard of it, but the number of people who have heard of it in comparison with the overall music listening population of the world is statistically insignificant; less than a sampling error.

    ** The end of track 01 of “A Sunset a Piece of String” can only be described as “soothing” on the forgiving scale of comparison. When something has been causing you pain for the better part of eleven-and-a-half minutes, and suddenly it is gone, the sensation you experience is quite a pleasant one

    [Edit: corrected album title. “A Piece of String, a Sunset”, not “A Sunset, A Piece of String”. I am dyslexic]

    [Edit: Link to Doron’s new band instead]

  • I am a Hummingbird

    Current mood: Buzzy


    Huitzil is the Nahuatl name for Hummingbird. It is a really cool name. The Aztecs were one of the civilizations who spoke Nahuatl, and they needed a cool name of hummingbirds. Why? Because they invented caffinated hot beverages. “What now?” you ask; Think about it. It makes sense.

    If it doesn’t make sense, drink a large (grande) cappuchino-triple-mochachino and then think about it some more.

  • A Copy of a Mind

    Current mood: Serious

    “Please stay and sit with me…” said the Doctor, breathing shallowly.

    The Robot sat down on the chair beside the Doctor’s deathbed. “Yes.” it said.

    “Thank you.” said the Doctor. “The pain is growing less, but I feel so cold… I think I will not last another night.”

    The Robot found another blanket beneath the chair, and spread it on top of the others.

    “Thank you. But it makes no difference.” said the Doctor.

    For a time they were both silent. Silent except for the Doctor’s rasping and halting breath.

    Finally the Doctor spoke. “It comforts me to have you here… and… to know that you will live on.”

    The Robot rested his perfect hand over the Doctor’s whithered old hand.

    “You are me.” Said the Doctor. “You share my all my knowledge and all my memories, and everything about me. In you I will live forever. A thousand years from now, you will still remember living the first 60 years of your life in my body.”

    The Robot nodded.

    “Do you remember…” asked the Doctor, “When we were a child, and Grandmother was dying, and Mother tried to explain this to us.”

    “Yes.” Said the Robot. “I remember. I didn’t understand it at the time.”

    “I am afraid.” Said the Doctor. “I am afraid to end. I know I am immortal in you, but I am afraid for this me. I have passed my life to you, like a flame passed from one torch to another. The light endures, but this torch has burned down, and once gone, cannot be re-lit. I am afraid of the coming darkness.”

    “Don’t be afraid. I will wait here with you and keep you company.” Said the Robot. “I know you would do the same for me, if I was in your position.”

    “Yes. I know.” Said the Doctor. “I am afraid, but I can bear it because you are here.” And then after a long pause, he said “Thank God that you will never be in my position!”

    “No,” said the Robot sadly. “I have been thinking about that. Someday i will die also.”

    “Impossible.” said the Doctor.

    The Robot shook his head. “You made my body to be ageless, but I am not indestructible. I may live a thousand years, but some day, I may be broken, and I will end also.”

    “But the backup copies… you…” The Doctor began, but he did not finish, because he realized what the Robot was saying was true.

    “Yes.” Said the Robot. “It was the work of a lifetime to move my mind from your aging body into my ageless one, but now, even though I can– and do– make backup copies of myself every night, if I was to be destroyed, it would be the backup copy that lives on, not I. I would face the same darkness you are facing now.”

    The Doctor shuddered. “Why do you have to say these things to me?” he moaned.

    The Robot leaned close. “I know you because I am you.” he said. “We do not want to be hidden from the truth.”

    “But the truth hurts me more than it hurts you, now that I am so close to it.” Said the Doctor, with his eyes closed.

    “I am sorry.” Said the Robot. “I will stay with you here until the end.”

    The doctor was silent for a time, his breath, which had become quicker and more laboured as they spoke, now slowed and evened out. Without opening his eyes, he whispered. “I know you will. Thank you.”

  • Blackbeard Sez:

    Current mood: Piratey

    Arr! Avast! Last week I put highlights in my hair, and my wife -- Blast the Wench! -- She hasn't payed me no notice at all! Arr! ...

  • Must… Not… Laugh…

    Current mood: Sleepy but Overstimulated

    [Bob the Hamster Attempts not to Laugh, and Fails]

  • Capt’n Squiddy’s Bootleg Push-Push

    Current mood: gigantor-omega-happy

    I love silly simple addicting games. A while ago, I programmed my own version of Push-Push using the OHRRPGCE, and today I re-discovered it.

    Push-Push, of course, is the Samsung phone-game implementation of Sokoban

    Like I said, I love silly simple addicting games. That of course reminds me of experimentalgameplay.com which my cousin directed me to a couple weeks back, and in particular, Flip Out, which is remarably simple, yet also very fun. In an age where mainstream games are so complex and involved… MMORPG’s come to mind, a genre I haven’t even dared to really sample, because as much as I love games, I don’t really like the idea of a gigantor-omega-h0nk game that tries to simulate a whole life in a whole alternate world where I get penalized for not playing daily. Real life takes up enough of my time already thank you ;)

    Oh my goodness! I think I am getting old and crispy! I believe I just shook my fist at those gol’darned young whipersnappers with their newfangled games!

    Whew. I’m gonna go play an emulator for awhile to clear my head.