James Paige

A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.

And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.

But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,

And went to him, and asked to see his insurance card, but seeing that he was with an HMO that did not permit out-of-network care providers without a large co-pay, his compassion left him, and he also passed by on the other side.

Also, not to change the subject, but Gastropod-Squirrel loves Slime-Acorns!

You know… Slime-Acorns are great and all, but I probably should have kept that to myself. That was not the time or place for it.

Current mood: Fuzzy

Have you ever wondered why socks often lose their mates in the wash? I have a simple new theory to explain this phenomenon; a theory based on science, rather than superstition.

Quantum Sock Dynamics

A sock is a material expression of a special type of clothing-energy. This clothing energy has not been officially named, but for my own reference, I have been calling it E^sock. This energy can exist as any scalar value, but it can only be quantized into physical socks in integer units. A pair of socks equals 2 units of E^sock.

Now, the pair of socks I am wearing right now does not have exactly 2 units of E^sock. That level of sock precision would be virtually impossible, even if we could discount the universe’s constant level of background sock radiation. I don’t currently have the means to accurately measure the energy in my socks, but for sake of example, lets say that they actually contain 2.0012645 E^sock. The two full E^sock‘s are materially expressed as the socks I am wearing, and the 0.0012645 of hypothetical sock energy remains in the form of static cling.

During daily wear, socks lose very little of their energy. Socks are fairly stable forms of cloth energy, and unlike hats on windy days, or women’s undergarments at a rock concert, they are unlikely to spontaneously vanish. The drying cycle at the laundry, however, is a different story. Washing and especially drying puts a great deal of electromechanical stress on a sock, and may cause a sock to lose enough energy that it dips beneath the quantum threshold for a pair of socks, and becomes merely a single sock instead. A pair of socks with 1.9995281 E^sock will only be measurable as a single lonely sock, even though most of the sock energy from the second sock will still be present.

I intend to experimentally verify this theory by repeatedly washing a large sample-group of socks using varying levels of fabric softener, in an attempt to influence the quantization of lost socks… but I have to wait until laundry day.

Current mood: Dead serious… no, really

Okay, so I am concerned about the turmoil in Iraq. The situation isn’t getting any better, and we all know what needs to be done, but everybody seems to be afraid to actually come out and say it. Well, no longer. Somebody has to put this out on the table.

Iraq is full of people who are suffering in the absence of enlightening western culture. Our military boys are doing their best over there, but it is hard work, what with being halfway around the world. Here is a little diagram of the relative positions:

As you can see, there is a considerable distance between the United States and Iraq. This slows cultural assimilation, and makes military logistics inconvenient. The solution to this problem is right in front of our faces. Just move Iraq!First we will need to separate Iraq from it’s neighbors. By moving India and Pakistan further east, and moving Saudi Arabia a few east African nations south, we can make the persian gulf wide enough to extract Iraq.

This separation is important, not just because Iraq is mostly landlocked, but because neighboring nations are a source of subversive Islamic culture which slows Iraq’s progress into the 21st century. Many of the insurgents who our brave troops fight every day are actually nationals of other middle-eastern nations who have snuck across the border just for the purpose of interfering. As anybody knows, swimming across an ocean is far more difficult than sneaking through a checkpoint.The next step is to run a tow chain from Iraq to our Navy, and tow the whole country around Africa and fasten it somewhere on the East Coast of North America, where we can keep an eye on it more easily.

Attached to, say, Georgia, Iraq will be conveniently close-to-home. Our troops will not have to travel so far to serve, and will even be able to skip over to Disney World on weekend leaves. More importantly, the Iraqi people will have ready access to American culture, and in no time, they might even be interested in applying for statehood.Naturally, Iraqi statehood will be controvertial with some people, but wasn’t this country founded on immigration? Isn’t it a Melting Pot? Below is a proposed new American flag featuring 51 stars in a new radial configuration to emphasize globalization.

Take that, Puerto Rico!

Current mood: Vegetative

Hola! My name is Stumpy the Stump! How ya doin’ kids? I’m here to teach you about plant rights. Yep, that’s right. Plants are people too! Just because we don’t have DNA or Mitochondria or Formula D, that doesn’t mean we don’t have hearts and souls… well, actually, we don’t have hearts, as such, our circulatory systems are very different than yours, but we still have heart.

Sadly, the entire plant kindom is facing grave danger from human activities, including Logging, deforestation, vegetarianism, and chia pet abuse. Many humans are unaware of the suffering they cause to plants each and ever day. Few realize that plants died to provide them with their hardwood floors, toothpicks, post-it-notes, and stradavarius violins! Open your eyes, friends, and look around you! How many things do you use every day that are constructed from dead plant? How many of our children do you eat every day? That’s right! Fruits, nuts, and certain vegetables are our reproductibe progeny. Next time you take a bite of an apple, shed a tear for the tree that is grieving for it.

Does it have to be this way? No. Will animal-kind– especially humankind, always oppress and torment plant-kind? No, it will not always be so. Will we some day live in harmony? Or will our roles be reversed? Only you can decide that, my fragile nutirent-rich human friends.

Current mood: Evil (ish)

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled bacon for this important announcement:

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No, no, no! That’s not right! Let’s start again!

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BACON™ and HUMAN SOULS™ are registered trademarks of THE BACON CORPORATION. All rights reserved. Infringe on our intellectual property and our lawyers will eat your soul! Eat it with BACON™!

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Current mood: Blinkenzots

My current car has served me well, but when it wears out, I have already decided what to replace it with. My next car is going to be a heavily modded 1970 International Scout II. My first car was a Scout (unmodded), and I loved the high visibility, the fantasticly sharp turning radius, and the overall blocky bulky utilitarian stylings. Note that the Scout II was designed decades before the “SUV” became mainstream. The Scout was a “UV” plain and simple.

The main upgrade will be the Hypersonic Containment Fusion reactor in the back. This safe, clean, self-limiting reactor traps deuterium atoms in a resonant compression pattern, inducing highly efficient, small-scale, low-temperature fusion.

The generated electricity drives a Piezoelectromagnetic engine, which provides the drive-train with six to eight times the torque of a traditional internal combustion engine. Surplus energy from the reactor is stored in an array of angular momentum batteries which can power the car for several days of “silent mode” operation, and which double as gyroscopic stabilizers during cornering and braking.

The Nuclear Modded International Scout II can do 0 to 60 in 3.1 seconds with a top speed of one quarter the speed of sound. Its milage is measured in kilometers per liter of heavy water, averaging 18000 KpL2H2O on the highway, and 14500 KpL2H2O on city streets. It produces no toxic or radioactive emmisions, but you do have to empty the helium tank twice a year.

Now I just gotta figure out what color I want.

Current mood: Losing Focus

You can only clone a man so many times. Genetic matter decays, even in stasis. Soul copies lose resolution. It is the Law of Entropy. Lincoln Clone #10 was a peacemaker. He calmed the warring tribes of northern Canada. Lincoln Clone #17 was a genius. He designed the first fission suppression device, from which modern area nuclear denial shields are descended. Lincoln Clone #44 was a great poet. he wrote the Ario Nokte and translated it into eighteen languages before he died. But it could not always be so. We knew the power of the Lincolns was fading. People said that a great soul spread so thin would diminish, and he would become like an ordinary man; but it was not so. Every iteration was as powerful in mind and body and spirit as the last, but the focus, only the focus failed.

Lincoln Clone #255 is pure evil. He poisons the sky, burns the earth, and steals the lives of our children. Now, we, my brothers, so diminished in our strength, must ride against him. Had we fought back in strong times, we would certainly have prevailed. Now nothing is certain. We must fight now, before our annihilation is certain.

Current mood: Piratey

So I was killing time, waiting for my ship, and I went into this dockside tavern, and ordered a tankard of grog. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch sight of this salty old sea-dog with two peg legs, two hooks, and an eyepatch. I picked up my grog, and went over and sat next to him.

I’ll bet you have some good stories to tell. I said to him.

Arrrr! says he. That I do.

So I ask, How did you lose your legs and arms?

He lifts his right peg leg, and says; Arrrr! This leg be the first limb I lost. When I was young, I were a whole man, and I sailed with Capt’n Shoat. I remember it well, I do. It were in a fierce sea-battle against Capt’n No-Beard’s frigate. A piece of grape-shot came across the deck, and clipped me leg out from underneath me!

Wow. I said.

The old pirate continued. Arrr. It were seven years later that I lost me hand! He brandished the shiny hook on his left wrist. I was in Madagascar, dueling across the beach man-to-man against the notorious Red Robert Blarg, and me peg leg sunk into the soft sand, and I lost me balance, and Red Robert, he with one deft chop, disarmed me!

Disarmed you, Haha! I get it! I laughed.

But the old pirate scowled, and barked Arrr! It be not funny, lad! I was maimed fer life, i were!

I’m sorry! I thought you wre making a joke. I said, embarrased. Do go on with your story… I said humbly.

Arrr. mumbled the pirate, and he shifted himself in his seat, and then went on. So I thought I would give up piracy, and take up a safer trade instead. So I became a whaler.

A Whaler? I asked.

Aye. said he, A whaler. But one day we encountered the White Whale; Moby Dick! He saw me peg leg, and took me fer Capt’n Ahab, and capsized the long-boat to get at me. Before me mates could pull be back aboard the ship, the White Whale had bitten off me other leg!

Oh… I said solemnly.

Then he raised his other hook, on his right hand. This one was cleverly wedged through the handle of his tankard of rum. This hand, said he, this hand I lost to a woman. Black Flag Betsy, only daughter o’ the corrupt magistrate of the Isle of Blood. A fierce woman was she! A head o hair, red like fire, and a heart full o’ fire as well… I met her in an Ale-house in Bermuda, and well… Let’s us just say she didn’t take lightly to being treated like a wench. I put my hand where I ought not have, and I lost it for my trouble! I’ll say no more of her, for it pains me heart to think of her.

I was silent for a while, sipping on my grog, and thinking about the pirate’s tales. Finally i said One last question: How did you lose your eye?. I pointed at the patch over his left eye.

Arrrr… sighed the pirate. He sounded disappointed. You can tell, can ye? I thought it were so realistic. He reached up with his free hook and popped out his right eye. It rolled across the table. It be made of wood. said he. I lost it last month, right here in this tavern. I was deep in my rum, and I went to scratch me nose, and missed, and gouged out my own eye. Arrr! What a clumsy fool I be!

I was shocked. But… but… What about the other eye! I exclaimed, What about the one under the eye-patch!?

Arrr! said the pirate with a smile. That be me good eye! I wears the patch to protect it while I’m drinking!

Current mood: Feisty

Now I am not going to name names, but some people have been going around, acting all tough, talking big, and making threats that I don’t think they are prepared to back up.

I don’t usually say stuff like this, so I am just goin’ to say it once, and say it clear; My hamster can kick your hamster’s ass.

Yes he can, and that is not a threat, it is a promise. My hamster is the baddest rodent this side of the cosmetics testing laboratory, and he don’t take no nothing from nobody nohow.

My hamster knows Kung-Fu, Voodoo too; He looks good… without a shirt… and he’s goin’ out west where they’ll apreciate him!

Current mood: Disarmed

So last night I went to see Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. I had been disappointed in episodes 1 and 2, but this one excited me in a way that the others failed to. The dialog was a little corny of course, but no worse than in episodes 4,5, and 6. The action sequences were wonderful, both the space battles, with unusual depth and dimension, to the lightsaber battles, with delicious choreography.

I loved the scene in which Benjamin Franklin was confronted by Shaft (Shaft!) and they fight a lightsaber duel, and just when it looks like Shaft has Benjamin Franklin cornered, Franklin busts out his “Lightening-Throwing” skills, and zaps Shaft, but Shaft is like “Oh no you don’t!” and he bounces the lightening off his lightsaber, and it hits Franklin, and you see Franklin’s face kinda melting, and you watch him transform from “Old $100 bill Franklin” to “New $100 bill Franklin” before your very eyes (which explains why he looks like New $100 bill Franklin in episode 6, which always confused me, because the new $100 bills hadn’t been released back in 1983, so i had no idea who he was supposed to be.)

And anyway, then just before Benjamin Franklin dies, D’Artagnan interferes, and is all like “Don’t kill him, He must stand trial!” and Shaft lets his guard down, and then Franklin (who wasn’t quite so wounded as he looked) blasts Shaft out the window, and then D’Artagnan is like “Master, teach me your powers so I can save Marie Antoinette‘s life!”

Oops… I guess I kinda gave away an important scene. Well, I hope you go and see it anyway. it was good…

… and almost completely historically accurate…

I love documentaries.