James Paige

Author: Bob the Hamster

  • Blinky the Three-Eyed-Whale

    Current mood: Happy

    If you drive all the way down Gaffey street in San Pedro, all the way to the Korean Friendship Bell, and you look on the west side of the road, you will see two famous pieces of street-art, which I have always called Blinky and Inky. Blinky is a three-eyed fish, and Inky is a one-eyed octopus. I named Blinky after a three-eyed fish in a episode of the Simpsons

    I have always wondered what Blinkey’s real name is, and who originally painted him, and why. I found my answer this week on the front page of a copy of Random Lengths which I found on the floor of the Lobbey of Vagabond Inn on Gaffey near 2nd street. I found an online copy of the same article.


    Blinkey is also known as The Three Eyed Whale, The Mutant Fish, and Charlie the Tuna. He was first painted in 1991 by Cartoonist Dave Butkus. Dave’s original art has long since been painted over, but other local artists keep Blinkey alive by re-painting him whenever he is erased or defaced.

    If you happen to be in San Pedro, be sure to say “hello” to Blinkey.

    Still no word on who originally painted Inkey. According to the article, Dave himself doesn’t know that.

  • Pink Elephant


    Behold! I am Elephim; the Great Pink Elephant! Patron Saint of Raspberry Shnapps, and Guardian Angel of those who, thanks to high tolerance and body-mass-index, remain sober enough to drive home safely, yet are just drunk enough to fail a breathalyzer test! Those who honor me may do so by over-tipping your barmaid! Those who worship me may do so by driving a stolen tractor through your neigbor’s cactus-patch at 2:15 AM while singing How Dry I Am off-key and dischaging a firearm into the air. To know me is to love me, and to love me is to not remember who has your keys in the morning.

    It will rain today. Your lucky numbers are 3, 118, 4, 5, 6

  • Midnight Complexion (Artwork)

    Current mood: Aware
    Paint brushes frighten me. I am used to pencils and pens. Those are solid; they don’t squish and deform when you press them against a surface.

    But in spite of my brushphobia, I am fascinated by painting, so when I had a free afternoon last week, I went to the Apple Barrel and purchased the biggest canvas they had and a couple cheap brushes. Then I went to Rural King a bought three cans of latex house paint and a drop-cloth.

    I spread out my art supplies on the porch and opened a bag of ice (it was hot out there), and painted for about two-and-a-half-hours.

    She isn’t anyone in particular, althought I will admit that her right eye is Ryda’s (and Ryda will kill me for saying that)

    As a final note; while I was working on this painting, I came up with a Theory of Art

    Creating art is the inverse complement of learning. When you learn, you take a part of reality, and you create a working representation of it in your mind. When you create art, you take something that exists in your mind, and you build a physical representation of it in the real world.

    Take that with a grain of salt ;

  • Danielle (Artwork)


    As I was sitting this morning eating Blinnerunchfast* this morning, I was reflecting on the difficulty involved in drawing really beautiful noses. I drew this caricature of my friend Danielle, and was frustrated by the number of times I had to erase and re-draw her nose. Unattractive noses are easy to draw. You simply pick the most obviously wrong feature of an unattractive nose, and exagerate it, and the nose simply looks right. A beautiful nose, on the other hand, needs to be just right, and if you do the tiniest thing wrong, it shows. In the end I usually give up, and end up over-simplifying beautiful noses. By going minimalist (notice the complete lack of nostrils?) I reduce the number of errors that I as the artist can introduce into the nose, and I trust the viewer the fill in the rest of the beautiful nose with a suitable one from their imagination.

    If you have never seen a beautiful nose, and are unable to imagine one, then you have my pity, but I can do nothing to help you today.

    *Blinnerunchfast: A meal that can only be properly eaten by time-travellers. It starts out like brunch, turns into dinner, then goes back to lunch again, and finishes up with a little more breakfast.NOTE: This picture uses PNG transparency, so if you are using Internet Explorer, you will see a big unsightly black box around this picture. Just another reason you should be using Mozilla Firefox instead!

  • Fireflies and Shed-Bulldozing

    Current mood: Humidified

    I am currently in Tennessee. For those of you who have never been here, it is just like California, except with more trees, more grass, more humidity, and a whole lot less everything else. For those of you who have never been to California, that comparison is useless. For those of you who are from California, that comparison is probably still useless.

    I guess a better way to put it is this;

    They have fireflies here. You drive down the road, and you can see them winking on and then off again among the plants growing at the side of the road. I like to imagine that they are greeting the car’s headlights, which they might have mistaken for their long lost king and queen.

    A possum ran across the road in front of me. I am happy to say that I missed him. Sadly, I cannot say the same of about 30 percent the frogs that have tried the same stunt this week.

    The sky has been unapollogetically rainey and wet this week. When I look out the window, I expect it to be cold, but it isn’t. It is hot outside, pretty much all the time. This is widely agreed to be an unpleasant thing, but actually I think it is not so bad. Sure, the shock of walking from an excessively air-conditioned room into the hot humid outdoors isn’t very nice, but once you get use to the outside air– and as long as you know a shower is waiting for you when you go back inside– it can be quite pleasant.


    This picture is my house. The bushes out front are gone now, already rooted-up. Don’t feel bad for them. They were nicer bushes in the picture than they were in real life.


    In the back is a lop-sided shed, another lop-sided shed, and a garage which, while not lop-sided, is certainly thinking about lopping. They will be torn down this week, and I get to stand by and watch. It is very important that I be present for this occasion, because there is a middling chance that one of the sheds has Pirate Treasure hidden in the roof. I am a little worried about how to fend off the Vengeful Zombie Pirate Skeletons which will no doubt leap out to guard it, but the demolition guys will have a bulldozer, and I think Sam (my contractor) is going to be bringing a chainsaw, so I think we can take them.

    If all goes well, I will bring home a gold doubloon for each of you.

  • Trading my Death in for a Puppy (Need Advice!)

    Current mood: Delighted


    I have recently come in to a nearly limitless supply of DEATH.

    Yes, that is right! For the past few weeks I have been banking a large number of really high quality death-threats, including “I’ll Kill you!“, “Your’e gonna die!” and the ever-popular “Oh, you want some death, don’t you?!”

    So I was thinking about what I am going to do with all these death threats, and I decided that the best thing would be to Trade them in for a Puppy.

    This picture here is a quick sketch of one I was looking at in the pound this morning. I don’t quite have enough* death threats to afford him yet, but they promised to hold him for me until the end of the month.

    Isn’t he cute? Do you think I am making a good choice? I am thinking of naming him zippy. Anybody got any other suggestions?

    * Technically, I do already have enough death to trade afford the puppy, but some of the death threats I have received were accompanied by actual strangulation attempts, and as such, they have too much sentimental value for me to just trade them away. As you all know, a strangle is just a hug, aimed a little too high.

  • A Lesson Is Learned But The Damage is Irreversible

    Current mood: Involved

    If you have never read it before (and I am betting you haven’t) you should check out
    A Lesson Is Learned But The Damage is Irreversible. It is one of the most artistic webcomics I have ever read. It uses a beautiful impressionistic style, and every episode could be framed and put in a gallery. The dialog reads like poetry, and it is very funny.

    I salute Dale and Dave!

  • Lion Fish Mermaid (Artwork)


    The Lion Fish Mermaid is a rare sub-species of Mermaid found in tropical regions of the Pacific and Indian oceans. She is venomous, having poison spines hidden within her feathery fins, the prick of which can cause temporary paralysis. Lion Fish Mermaids are hearty and resilient, and therefore they make good aquarium mermaids, though at times they can be moody and demanding. Buying her presents and complimenting her hair can help.

  • Supreme Enlightenment

    Current mood: Enlightened

    What is the nature of Supreme Enlightenment? I asked the master.

    The master breathed deeply seven times, and then opened his eyes. Supreme Enlightenment is elusive, he said slowly. The mysteries of life are many-fold, and perfect harmony is always hidden. True enlightenment requires a lifetime of devout meditation.

    What of those who are not monks? I asked. How will the rest of the world find time in their busy lives to seek Supreme Enlightenment?

    The master scowled. Why should those who are not monks seek Supreme Enlightenment? That is our task. We seek enlightenment for them, and then once we have found it, we tell them what it is.

    How can one be told of Supreme Enlightenment? Will they believe us? Will they listen?

    If they do not listen, said the master, we will hit them with sticks. He raised the Heavy Stick Of Supreme Enlightenment over his head and waved it around a bit.

    But master! I do not understand! I wailed.

    The master hit me with the stick.

    And I became Enlightened.

  • A certain man went down from Jerusalem…

    A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

    And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.

    And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.

    But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,

    And went to him, and asked to see his insurance card, but seeing that he was with an HMO that did not permit out-of-network care providers without a large co-pay, his compassion left him, and he also passed by on the other side.

    Also, not to change the subject, but Gastropod-Squirrel loves Slime-Acorns!

    You know… Slime-Acorns are great and all, but I probably should have kept that to myself. That was not the time or place for it.